How come Canada gets to be so cool?

Greetings. I am an American - you know, that country due south that acts as a buffer between y'all and Mexico. I have been obsessed with Canada since the early 80's when my hometown Flyer's battled those pesky Edmonton Oilers. For some reason a fascination developed, which was further compounded when I started reading Gordon Korman books - oh those crazy kids at Macdonald Hall...and those loose girls over at Scrimage's!! Well, here's my bitch: Why do you Canadians get to have it so good? You people are more decent, trustworthy, and intelligent than the citizens of my country. We protect you from world dangers, but we're completely messed-up these days. You guys are just sitting up there with your syrup, Molsons and hockey sticks aloof to real violence and chaos. How come you guys get the good life, and I have to live in freakin New Jersey? I visited Nova Scotia in the mid-1990's, and it was just wonderful. I didn't even have any drugs, and I didn't care, which is amazing. I want in on what y'all have. Although, your pizza was severely lacking. Dudes, Pizza Delight sucks. Anyways, I hope that some nice folks will consider adopting me. I'm 44-years-old and I'm totally housebroken. —Paddington Jetty Bear