For your health

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

You’re positively beautiful!

Posted By on Tue, Jun 18, 2019 at 9:48 AM

  Thanks for making my day! You were just leaving the breast-screening clinic when you turned to the rest of us waiting, smiled, and proudly exclaimed that it only takes half the time when you only have one breast. Your comment provoked many smiles and chuckles. Clearly you have a great sense of humour in spite of being to hell and back with your own health. I love your attitude. We can all learn something from you!
—Mammy
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Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Hospital staff

Posted By on Wed, Dec 20, 2017 at 12:14 PM

Thank you hospital staff, for dealing with my multiple stupid visits in the last couple months for random stupid injuries. Your sense of humour and friendly dispositions make my visit a lot more relaxed than what I am used to at hospitals full of stoic, cranky old medical professionals with cold hands. —Dumb Idiot Always Getting Hurt


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Friday, April 15, 2016

Love to those who keep pushing

Posted on Fri, Apr 15, 2016 at 4:00 AM

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Thank you so much for being strong! Life is fucking hard, much more so for people of minorities and of the LGBT community. We stand with you; keep being the amazing, diverse and loving community that makes Halifax a great place to live. You're doing an amazing job. We love you! —Hfx gal
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Friday, March 25, 2016

To me, from me

Posted on Fri, Mar 25, 2016 at 4:00 AM

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I know you're having a hard time right now. I know you feel like you've been thrown into a dark and stormy ocean with no lifejacket and no direction to swim in. I know you feel like no one cares about you, but I do. And I promise that even in the face of all this darkness and all these hardships, I will keep you safe. I will treat you well, I will give you what you need. I won't let your brain bully your body. So, when you're feeling lonely or sad or hopeless, remember that I care about you and love you and I always will. You will always have me, and I will always have you. —Me/us/we
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Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Are you having fun?

Posted on Tue, Mar 8, 2016 at 4:00 AM

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Then do something about it. —No rush
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Monday, January 11, 2016

Study: Anti-Marijuana Ads Increase Sales

Posted on Mon, Jan 11, 2016 at 4:46 PM

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Canadian drug dealers have one thing to say about government anti-marijuana ads.

Thank you!

The Canadian government launched an anti-marijuana campaign in 2015 to the delight of drug dealers across Canada who say the new ads have business booming.

"I haven't seen sales like these since the Blink 182 concert of 2003," said one dealer who asked to remain anonymous. "I used to give this shit away when making other sales, now I cant keep it in stock. It's great."

The previous Conservative government decided to start its anti-marijuana campaign despite public opinion's sway towards legalization and widespread acceptance of the social drug as harmless. Experts say the combination of acceptance and aggressive anti-marijuana campaigning brought a re-energized curiosity to the most common of experimented drugs.

"Everybody knows what marijuana is. Everybody." Explained Tom Dooby, head of marketing research at the Notareal Institute. "Pot, weed, grass, whatever you refer to it as, everyone knows what you're talking about. Marijuana is already so ingrained into our society, running anti-marijuana campaigns merely reminds people who've moved on from their weed phase that it's still around."

Even the Royal Canadian Mounted Police spoke out about the waste of resources anti-marijuana campaigns are.

"They're wasting money that could be going to mental healthcare." Said one officer. "Whats more concerning, the guy waving his dick at everyone on a bus, or a teenager high in their apartment watching wrestling?"

While there's debate over anti-marijuana ads effectiveness, the increase in sales has government officials questioning their approach.

"We did everything we normally do." said one official, "Distorted facts, intense imagery, pretended like we're trying to help. If marijuana had ever actually killed someone they'd be thanking us."

However, experts believe it's those exact reasons marijuana sales have skyrocketed.

"Those ads are the best legal advertisements for marijuana I've ever seen" laughed Tom Dooby. "'Marijuana has become 300-400% stronger in the last 30 years.' That's like saying, 'Hey, remember that thing you loved and had so much fun with when you were young? Well it's gotten even better!'"

Even our drug dealer has noticed a shift in clientele.

"I used to sell mainly to college kids, but now their parents are stopping me on the way out to try this new and improved weed. Even the coke and MDMA crowd are coming back to weed. In today's economy, spending $200 on blow and another $100 on booze just isn't feasible. Getting high while Netflix and chilling is the new frugal way to party."

When asked how they intended to enforce the new focus on anti-marijuana, the RCMP spokesperson simply laughed at the notion.

"While there are many tales of police officers seizing young peoples marijuana, the RCMP can proudly say there isn't a single documented case where an officer has returned small amounts of marijuana to the precinct for disposal."

While its good times for marijuana right now, our dealer is quick to point out drugs are a flavor of the month industry.

"It's great for now. I love dealing weed, its always friendly and relaxed, but it will fade out eventually. The only thing you can do is enjoy it while it lasts. You might see a small increase in kids calling themselves 'dealers', but until a 37 year old man with rotted teeth offers to blow you behind a drug store for a small hit of meth, you're not really dealing drugs."

—Zombiethought

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Vol 27, No 7
July 11, 2019

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