Thank you hospital staff, for dealing with my multiple stupid visits in the last couple months for random stupid injuries. Your sense of humour and friendly dispositions make my visit a lot more relaxed than what I am used to at hospitals full of stoic, cranky old medical professionals with cold hands. —Dumb Idiot Always Getting Hurt
Canadian drug dealers have one thing to say about government anti-marijuana ads.
The Canadian government launched an anti-marijuana campaign in 2015 to the delight of drug dealers across Canada who say the new ads have business booming.
"I haven't seen sales like these since the Blink 182 concert of 2003," said one dealer who asked to remain anonymous. "I used to give this shit away when making other sales, now I cant keep it in stock. It's great."
The previous Conservative government decided to start its anti-marijuana campaign despite public opinion's sway towards legalization and widespread acceptance of the social drug as harmless. Experts say the combination of acceptance and aggressive anti-marijuana campaigning brought a re-energized curiosity to the most common of experimented drugs.
"Everybody knows what marijuana is. Everybody." Explained Tom Dooby, head of marketing research at the Notareal Institute. "Pot, weed, grass, whatever you refer to it as, everyone knows what you're talking about. Marijuana is already so ingrained into our society, running anti-marijuana campaigns merely reminds people who've moved on from their weed phase that it's still around."
Even the Royal Canadian Mounted Police spoke out about the waste of resources anti-marijuana campaigns are.
"They're wasting money that could be going to mental healthcare." Said one officer. "Whats more concerning, the guy waving his dick at everyone on a bus, or a teenager high in their apartment watching wrestling?"
While there's debate over anti-marijuana ads effectiveness, the increase in sales has government officials questioning their approach.
"We did everything we normally do." said one official, "Distorted facts, intense imagery, pretended like we're trying to help. If marijuana had ever actually killed someone they'd be thanking us."
However, experts believe it's those exact reasons marijuana sales have skyrocketed.
"Those ads are the best legal advertisements for marijuana I've ever seen" laughed Tom Dooby. "'Marijuana has become 300-400% stronger in the last 30 years.' That's like saying, 'Hey, remember that thing you loved and had so much fun with when you were young? Well it's gotten even better!'"
Even our drug dealer has noticed a shift in clientele.
"I used to sell mainly to college kids, but now their parents are stopping me on the way out to try this new and improved weed. Even the coke and MDMA crowd are coming back to weed. In today's economy, spending $200 on blow and another $100 on booze just isn't feasible. Getting high while Netflix and chilling is the new frugal way to party."
When asked how they intended to enforce the new focus on anti-marijuana, the RCMP spokesperson simply laughed at the notion.
"While there are many tales of police officers seizing young peoples marijuana, the RCMP can proudly say there isn't a single documented case where an officer has returned small amounts of marijuana to the precinct for disposal."
While its good times for marijuana right now, our dealer is quick to point out drugs are a flavor of the month industry.
"It's great for now. I love dealing weed, its always friendly and relaxed, but it will fade out eventually. The only thing you can do is enjoy it while it lasts. You might see a small increase in kids calling themselves 'dealers', but until a 37 year old man with rotted teeth offers to blow you behind a drug store for a small hit of meth, you're not really dealing drugs."