The panda is a rare creature, slow and self-involved, but oddly magical for the sheer improbability of its existence. The panda is also a solitary creature that keeps to a particular patch of comfortable territory. Forgive the clumsy analogy I'm constructing; my paws are large and unsuited to this kind of delicate, artsy-fartsy labor. I was too preoccupied with my usual activities, foraging for bamboo, et cetera, to notice when you ambled into the boundaries of my territory, and surprised and unused to such company, did my panda best to pretend I didn't care. It's not often that two of the species meet. In captivity, the panda is generally pretty lazy. Remember, a few years ago there was a plan for the use of panda pornography in zoos to stimulate reproduction? So, what I'm trying to say is, what are the words in panda-speak for fuck me? —Panda