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Friday, August 30, 2019

Croaky voice

Posted By on Fri, Aug 30, 2019 at 9:47 AM

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Stop using the croaky voice! You people who use it sound like you're on your deathbed. It's like someone is pulling the words out of your mouths one at a time. It does not make you sound cool. You sound like a fool. The croaky voice is only acceptable when you're laying in bed just waking up.
—Hatethecroaky
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Tuesday, July 23, 2019

Susan goes to the Pride parade

Posted By on Tue, Jul 23, 2019 at 4:36 PM

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To the mature, tight-assed white woman who had such a problem with me smoking weed away from the crowd at the Pride parade, that she had a walk-by altercation with me: Loosen up.

You're at a Pride parade, hun. Telling me it's "the law" then calling the cops on me was the lamest thing you could have done. The cop thought you were ridiculous, and I didn't get fined, because nobody follows those designated-smoking-area rules. I guess I mostly just wanted to shine a light on the irony of your white spoiled ass bothering a cop to come talk to a queer person at a Pride parade, wanting her to FINE ME. Remember, my people rioted so you could put that cute little rainbow on your face sweetie, we don't care much for the law.

Oh, it was super cute when you yelled "fuck off" after I wished you a happy Pride. Girl, seek help. I'm sorry there was no manager you could have asked to speak to and that must have made you very scared and angry. I suggest a CDB pen, it really helps with the anger.

Anyway, love you! Sage your whole soul please.
—Friendly Gay Tryin' To Get High In Peace
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Wednesday, July 3, 2019

Tired of businesses using same stupid voice greetings

Posted By on Wed, Jul 3, 2019 at 11:00 AM

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Every time I call up businesses they usually all have the same stupid voice greeting telling you to "listen carefully as the menu items have recently changed." Really? Who cares? You are wasting my valuable time. Just tell me the options and I will choose.
—Stop wasting my time
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Monday, June 17, 2019

It's not me, it's you

Posted By on Mon, Jun 17, 2019 at 12:29 PM

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I couldn’t fathom calling you pathetic. How hurtful would that be? How deeply would it cut? I’ve never been in a place where I wanted to cut you that deeply.

Pathetic, maybe I am. When you roll the word around in your mouth it starts to lose its sharp edge, that same edge it sliced me with, and becomes dull. It’s not the word so much that offends me, it was how it came to be in my mouth, rolling around like it is. You fired it at me.

You know me too well to pretend the word would slide off me. Which is the worst part, you knew that word would unravel me, you wanted it to. You’re aware of the thin tethers that hold me to the world, yet you launched an axe at them just the same.

I know what you tried to do, to hurt me, to ease your hurt by throwing axes at my tethers. It worked beautifully. I was paralyzed by the pain it caused. That was what you wanted though, right? To know I can feel hurt and you can cause it? Well done; mission accomplished; a celebratory drink is in order.

Then, that’s a scary word isn’t it? What happens then, after? You’ve taken your vicious words off leash and let them attack—then what? What did you want? To know we’re both hurt perhaps. You couldn’t have expected to reunite after such an assault. No taking that back. Here’s the thing, you don’t know what happens for me.

You spit your awfulness at me, and I said nothing, I gave nothing. I am a fortress you can no longer penetrate. What you did hurt, deeply, and you will never know of it. Your only success was solidifying my fortress and burning away what remaining doubt I had about leaving you outside. My doubt follows me like a shadow, always present, at times the light makes it small. In the darkness of being alone it consumes me. You scorched it from me. I’ve never been able to do it before. Thank you.
—Fortress
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Wednesday, July 12, 2017

You're worse than a charley horse

Posted By on Wed, Jul 12, 2017 at 4:18 PM

Whenever I'm trying to diagnose myself online for some symptom or another, you will always read the same comments from blowhards on the web MD forums, always saying, "you should call your doctor and make an appointment."  No shit, Sherlock. Shut the fuck up!  State the obvious much?  I don't have time to make an appointment and run to the doctor for every little pang or stitch my aging body experiences.  Not to mention, my doctor is so overbooked, I have to wait on a wait list each time, by which time the symptom will likely be gone.  I am asking the internet and trying to figure it out for myself what it could be and I would appreciate it if these after-school special snowflakes would quit wasting my time with their cliched advice. You're a fucking waste of space! FUCK OFF. —Probably PMS





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Monday, March 27, 2017

Remember that old adage about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome…?

Posted By on Mon, Mar 27, 2017 at 4:40 PM

I was shocked and disgusted to hear about the vandalizing of 29-ish HRM bus shelters a couple of weeks back, with tons of broken glass to clean up and replace.  But isn't it time HRM started making bus shelters out of UNBREAKABLE material?  What about the plexiglass-type stuff they use in hockey arenas?  Also known as common sense. —Long-time transit rider





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Thursday, March 10, 2016

Stuff that horn someplace

Posted on Thu, Mar 10, 2016 at 4:00 AM

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To the out-of-province "fans" who brought those asinine horns to the first women's basketball playoff game at the Scotiabank Centre on the 5th: you blasted them in a cacophonous chorus every time our Halifax team attempted to dunk the ball, succeeding in distracting them and putting them off their game (and irritating the hell out of audience members too). Your dirty tactics stank. But in the second half of the game, when the teams switched ends and they got as far away from you as possible, our girls hit their stride and won handily over you with a 20+ point lead.  As you "fans" realized you would never catch up, you stopped cheering your own team. When one of your girls dunked two free points (on some kind of foul), you didn't even applaud her! You sat slumped in your seats pouting and ignored your own hardworking team. When you get back to your own province, research and meditate on the meaning of mature, true sportsmanship. Maybe you'll have grasped it by this time next year—not that it'll do you any good: our home team girls will still kick your RED arses out of the court. —Varsity Basketball Fan
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Thursday, October 15, 2015

No. Never.

Posted on Thu, Oct 15, 2015 at 4:00 AM

Elope???? Are you deluded? We weren't dating. We have never had any intimate contact. We were not even FRIENDS. You spent all of your time telling me how I was "emotionally and physically unwell" and "emotionally distant and cold." You are critical, rude and ignorant. I'm fit, healthy and well; you're covered in some incurable jungle fungus from Asia and suffering from pneumonia every other month. I am already in love with someone and you tried to convince me he was worthless. Move on please, not interested. —Little Bird
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Tuesday, October 6, 2015

To the person in last weeks edition...

Posted on Tue, Oct 6, 2015 at 4:00 AM

...bitching about the amount of bitches: IRONY! have you ever heard of it? no, i guess you haven't. well thanks for the laugh, you goof. —just another bitcher
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Wednesday, August 12, 2015

To the people in Dartmouth bitching about group homes

Posted on Wed, Aug 12, 2015 at 4:00 AM

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What is wrong with you people?! You all think you are so open-minded and considerate yet look at this ridiculous controversy. Having group homes in your community means that your neighbourhood is a safe liveable place. The people living and working in group homes are wonderful, kind people and great neighbours. They're the ones that come over with baked goods on your kid's birthday, the ones who water your plants or feed your cat when you're on vacation. They don't throw big loud parties in the middle of the night, they don't leave garbage out to rot on their property, they don't renovate their house or mow the lawn at 6 in the morning... That is more than I can say for most of my neighbours so what is your problem Dartmouth? Do you think disabilities are contagious?? Or are you seriously just that much of an intolerant bigoted asshole??? Looks like you're the bad neighbor here! —wtf
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Friday, August 7, 2015

To the Australian busker at the waterfront

Posted on Fri, Aug 7, 2015 at 4:00 AM

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Telling you that you're not allowed to have fire in your performance when you're performing on a WOODEN structure like the boardwalk is not a fucking "joke", it's common sense! What, do you want the entire thing to go up in flames? You know what IS a joke? You, a supposed grown man, bitching about this rule to an entire croud of people like a bratty three year old. It's a good rule, and it makes sense. If you don't like it, feel free to fuck off. I'm sure there are more that plenty of people who would take your place. —Fire safety's no joke, son.
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Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Kindly Eat Humble Pie

Posted on Tue, Jul 21, 2015 at 4:00 AM

Teaching shouldn't be a mattress for your ego and respect isn't a one way street. You were both unnecessarily short and rude to me today and I didn't appreciate it. Talk to me like a fricking adult with fulling functional hearing next time. —Silks Play
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Tuesday, June 30, 2015

I am me, I am mine.

Posted on Tue, Jun 30, 2015 at 2:00 PM

They think with me it’s like some movie, like it’s some life-changing script for the benefit of, of, of the audience…. Maybe they think they’re my audience and maybe I don’t know.

But shut your mouth, John. Stop looking at me like that, Jane! Because well hey there, the theatre lights just flickered, came back on, out, on, out, on and on and on and each time is another end but maybe you would call it a beginning. All I know’s that in the blink of an eye there’s a thousand little suicides. And I’d like to spit in this cat’s eye.

Go ahead and call it poetic, dramatic, unsettling, go ahead. I dare you. Just remember that you can also choose truth in this game, and that’s when you’ll know that I’m not anyone’s character and if this is a movie then we’ve hit the credits, rolling on and on, trying to give meaning to the scene, trying to name each and every…on and on until finally turned off. —I am fine. Please stop asking.

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Thursday, June 4, 2015

Wine snob

Posted on Thu, Jun 4, 2015 at 4:00 AM

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To the snob who doesn't understand wine: you have no taste. Screw-top wine is no worse nor better than corked wine. Screw-tops in fact are better for the endangered cork trees, but you don't care about that cause you’re a tasteless snob. Also, a lot of table wines (e.g. Jackson Triggs) come in boxes as well as bottles and there is no difference in taste. As for your blatant disregard for local producers; go fuck yourself! A number of local producers have created award-winning wines, that have garnered national accolades. And just an FYI, there are plenty of liquor stores that carry really good wines. You just have no taste or any kind of understanding of wine or wine culture to figure that out. —Someone Who Actually Drinks Wine
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In Print This Week

Vol 27, No 17
September 19, 2019

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