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Sunday, February 17, 2013

But when I started dating people like you... I knew things had to change

Posted on Sun, Feb 17, 2013 at 10:19 AM

I guess it's my fault. For thinking I can talk to you. Time and time again I've had to deal with you guys being seriously mean to me over nothing and still I come back for more because deep down.. I WANT to have a good relationship with you both. And every time my attempt falls flat on its face. You've always done this. And I realize now you're always going to do this. I have never felt safe talking to you. It makes the most mundane or even HAPPY conversations a trying (and when i was too little and dumb to defend myself, terrifying) ordeal. For most of my life, I figured it was my fault. Especially since i was the only kid you treated this way. You engineered it so that not only do both of you show me constant disrespect, but so do my siblings. As I got older, you were fond of telling me that "my so-called friends" didn't really care about me. You literally cut me off from anybody who could help me. I wish I had had a bit more insight as a kid.. I would have asked somebody.. anybody.. for help. But after years of working through how I've been feeling, i realize it's NOT my fault. I went through years of hearing shit about the whys of things like "negative parent complex" before I realized "fuck the WHY. The real Why is Why am I the one who has to get help for YOUR problem? I don't care WHY you do this. You're assholes. That's enough for me to move on." When I started getting into relationships and friendships with people like you, I realized it was time for some sort of metamorphosis. I am now armed with a powerful knowledge. Your reactions are YOUR drama. YOUR PROBLEM. I have no control over that. I only have control over this: You are not allowed to make your insanity my issue ever again. I have come a long way. I guess i stupidly expected you did too. But you're the same. I guess you could say we've truly grown apart. And that's too bad. See.. I want something from you guys that I simply can't have. Maybe in time I can figure out how to have something just as good. But it will take lots of compromise on my part because that's how it's always been. It's always been ME readjusting MY definitions of what is acceptable so I can maintain a relationship with YOU. It's not enough that you're angry and mean. Over the years, I have become sadly aware that for some reason, you enjoy it. And because I don't understand that, I have stopped feeling sorry for myself. I'm one of the lucky ones who despite what i can now admit was an abusive childhood, takes life in gentle strides and good humor. No.. it's YOU I feel sorry for. You didn't escape. But I think I did. But I will tell you this RIGHT now. I'll let it slide with me because despite it all.. you're my parents and I love you. But someday there will be grandkids. And if you EVER show them the same dismissive disrespect that you have shown me throughout my life, I'll come down on you both like the right hand of the almighty. —Meg Griffin

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