The good news is I know I have cancer. The CT scan was pretty clear and anyone who has ever gone through a serious illness will tell you, not knowing is ten times worse than the diagnosis. The bad news is that they don’t know what specific kind of cancer, which means that they can’t begin treatment because the medschool drop-outs working in the lab have screwed up two biopsies. I understand that the holidays put everyone behind, but it has been over two months and these are people’s lives you are screwing with. Please stop wasting time, put my fucking sample on a fucking slide, shove it under a fucking microscope and do your fucking job already! —The Guy With a Tumor in His Chest