Once a month I seem to go crazy. Certifiably n.u.t.s. Classified as the bigger, bitchier sister of PMS, PMDD is characterized by unpleasant physical and psychological symptoms occurring in the second half of a ladies "cycle". This is no fucking joke. And unpleasant doesn’t even begin to sum it up. Try explaining to someone that once a month for a matter of days, your emotions are uncontrollable and unreasonable, without sounding like you’re making excuses for your "flavour of the month: Crazy". Really, I should just spend my days locked up during this time. I am unbearable to be around. I feel hopeless, out of control, despaired, sad, anxious, tearful, lethargic, am constantly, but inconsistently, irritable and angry, sorrowful and my personal favorite, as fat as a whale… should I continue? Some days I even contemplate why I continue bother to put anyone, myself included, through this bullshit. And of course, for someone who's in a relationship… how do you think all this bodes on the poor individual who bears the brunt of this uncontrollable insanity? Generally not very well. [I’m so very sorry, my love. So sorry, I don’t know how to deal with myself when I’m like this anymore than you do… just be patient with me and know that none of it is a personal attack on you, I’m trying, but it’s so hard.]

This all just creates a vicious circle for the primary suffering party (me!), and the secondary parties (bloody interpersonal conflicts)... because then I'm increasingly sensitive to rejection (even if I'm not being rejected), although if I am, I guess I rightfully deserve it, even if this is beyond my control. Hold me, but don’t (I’m my very own rollercoaster, I hate rollercoasters).

Apparently, according to a leading theory, PMDD is caused by the lack of serotonin and an abnormal reaction to fluctuations of the sex hormones. So it’s like a double whammy. FML much??? I’d really like to be able to explain this to anyone without having them think that I’m just a crazy… but sometimes I even have a hard time explaining it to myself. I know I’m not the only one to suffer from this, but it’s such a new “disorder” (I hate that word) that there is still a great deal of skepticism surrounding it, which just makes one feel lost and alone when they want help on how to deal with it. And now that I’ve blurted this, in all its seeming randomness, which boils down to my out of control thought patterns at the time of writing this (imagine that!), I’ll sit and wait on the nasty comments that I trust will follow. —AnonEmous