I Have a Dream | Love the Way We Bitch

Love the Way We Bitch

Archives | RSS

Angry? Mad as hell and you can't take it anymore? Get something off your chest and it could be published online and/or in print. Bitches are anonymous and may be edited for length, grammar, spelling and our lenient standards of propriety.

Submit a Bitch

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I Have a Dream

Posted on Thu, Oct 20, 2011 at 9:41 AM

Public washrooms are an unfortunate necessity to 90% of people out there. And yet we're still afraid to go #2 in any of them unless we're 100% certain that we're in there alone. Yes. That sounds like a lot of math. It's a serious subject.

Some of us have actually perfected the art of cutting the thing off mid-load should another human being come within earshot. Contortions like this, besides being hell on the bowels and colon, are useless anyway because as soon as the little fella crowns, everyone within smelling distance already knows what's going on.

And why shouldn't they? For christsake everybody poops! Embrace it! Be okay with it. Fuck people who bitch and moan about a bathroom smelling like people are using the bathroom. They're clearly stupid and DON'T poop which is WAY more bizarre than releasing a satisfying pantload of yesterday's curry. I don't even really get what the problem is anyway... Is it that people are pooping? Eating? Pooping after eating? Pooping in public? Is it a religious thing? I'm not sure why we're all so embarrassed. If you keep it in you get those gross "I have to poop" farts. the kind that creep out even though you feel like you're holding them in. And they're so soft... like little ass ninjas and you think no one else can smell them. Well guess what. We can smell them. They're gross. And we all know it's because you're too chickenshit to poop in a public washroom.

I used to be like a lot of you. Slinking furtively from floor to floor until I found an empty bathroom, than doing a bizarre sort of beat the clock with my bowels, trying to flush the evidence before anyone else came in. Jesus christ I worked a year of overtime, nearly killed myself... just to try and earn a promotion that would get me an office with a private washroom. Okay? I've been there. I know what it's like to be an anal-retentive control freak. But not anymore. I refuse to continue to allow the rest of you to make me feel powerless when the truth is, I'm not on trial here. I'm not powerless against nature. WE ALL ARE.

So fuck it. Next time you go, tuck a newspaper under your arm and walk proudly through that door, nose in the air. Be the change you want to see in other people. —Anal Retentive No More

Comments (38)
Add a Comment