To the asshole who stole an old black Epiphone Les Paul from an apartment off Spring Garden on Tuesday night (and bled all over our stairwell): Her name is Grace and she needs love. Her ninth fret is worn to shit, especially around her G string and she likes to give you a lot of static. Be nice to her, though, she's old. You probably won't get more than twenty or thirty bucks for her. I hope the crack you buy with that money fries your already pickled brain, and I hope that whoever ends up with her will love her for the big old ornery black bitch that she is. —Lonely and Angry