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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Seriously, body?

Posted on Tue, Nov 16, 2010 at 9:25 AM

Sorry to the men in advance.

Why is it when I'm on my period, I get soooo über horny!? Thanks body, for the most useless trait in the world. All I can think about all day is SEX. I'm like writhing around in my shitty office chair, trying to calm down but I don't even want to, I want to bang someone! Is this normal? I get these stupid irrational thoughts in my head, like if someone in my office could read minds, they'd be totally weirded out by me! We're allowed to listen to iPods/radio while at work and every single friggin' song, I imagine myself and some random hottie doing the deed to the song, preferably there are people around to hear us and get disgusted. Is that even a normal fantasy?! Most people have fantasies like doing/being a naughty school girl, Princess Leia, foreign muscly men, etc etc but nooo not this lady. My fantasy is just banging the legs off of some random guy, of which I don't even know his name. Is this what Tiger Woods feels like? I don't really believe in "sex addition" but WHAT THE HELL is going on in these pants?

When I'm out in public, my eyes are glued to every man's crotch as they walk by, and I feel like a total dork because they can probably tell where I'm looking but the thought doesn't even occur to me until after they pass. I'm sure this would be all fine and dandy if my boyfriend lived in the same province as me at least and I wasn't on my rag! During this horrible time, I see anything and everything as sexual; it doesn't take much to send a lightning bolt through my loins. Drinking out of a straw, door-knobs, pens, coughing and/or clearing of the throat, milk, that flashlight over there, locking a door, etc etc. And if I see anyone or anything resemble my boyfriend in the slightest, it's all over; a single tattoo (not a whole sleeve), sport bike, reallly realllly short buzzed hair, muscly-ness and man in army uniform. I feel like I may just pass out from all this excitement and aggression if I don't get some soon! But as soon as my period is over, it's like the switch is turned off and I go on with my life as if this sexual deviant never even reared its horns....its long, bony, twisted horns....!! Oooooh jeez.

Each time my boyfriend is around for this week of whore-er, he offers to do other things but I don't think there's anymore more awkward than worrying about my string hitting his face........so that's a no-go. Well thanks for letting me get this off my bouncy, little chest, Coast. —Ivana C. Mutchmor

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