I've come across recent bitches about restaurant service and am absolutely disgusted by some of the whiny complaints submitted on here. You know who you are *cough* 'I had to wait 5 minutes for my food while my friend got to eat' lady.

So, as a server myself, I'm going to give some pointers to guide customers, who just have no fucking clue, on how to behave when dining in (be it a fine-dining establishment or a typical pizza place or pub, whatever place that has a specific individual serving a specific party).

(1) You have working eyes (unless you're blind ie. you have a walking stick and seeing-eye dog) so you can see if the place is busy or not. If it's busy, you will wait longer for basically everything, whether you like it or not. Don't bitch at your server for taking 5-10 mins more than usual to get you your drinks if they are clearly serving other tables. Other tables need drinks too, and many of them arrived before you. On the other hand, if the place is almost empty, and you see your server standing around, you have a legit reason to be pissed for the wait of your drinks. But if the former is true, stfu and be patient. It's not all about you!

(2) If you wait a while for your food, it is likely not the server's fault. Yeah, I know some servers have fucked up orders (and I have myself, but not often) or are slow, etc. But a lot of restaurants have take-out and delivery as well. If several T-O and del. orders have bombarded the kitchen before dining orders, those orders will be made first (some kitchen staff live by the ‘first-come first-serve’ rule). Yeah I know, they should probably make the dine-in ones first (after all, dine-in customers are already there ready to eat), but sometimes they don’t—and this is not the my fault!!! Blame management for that one, as they should be enforcing this.

(3) Don’t stare at the menu and ask “What’s on the ‘meat supreme’ pizza?” when you have the menu open to the pizza section and are clearly looking at the ‘meat-supreme’ description. I know you’re not illiterate because you know (and said) it said ‘meat supreme’. Read what’s on it, because I have better things to do re-read the toppings to your lazy ass.

(4) Don’t tell me you’re ready to order when you’re obviously not! I do not want to hear a conversation about who likes green peppers and who hates them, or whether or not you want an appetizer… you decide this before I attempt to take your order. Don’t leave me standing there waiting to hear what the fuck you want to eat, I have other things to do!

(5) You want to know the cost of what you ordered so you’ll know if you have enough cash to pay for it? Ok, I’ll go to the computer and figure it out for you, but if I happen to do a couple of other things first (eg. Serve customers who have come before you, or get you your drinks first and then say I’ll be back to tell you the cost) don’t bitch at me for not telling you yet! Again, it’s not all about you. And it’s your own fault that you’re too lazy or too stupid to do the math and estimate how much it will cost (taxes and all), or that you didn’t bring your debit/credit card just in case you don’t have enough cash!

(6) Don’t tell me your life story. I don’t know you and, honestly, I could care less. This is particularly frustrating if you do this during the lunch/supper rush and I have other customers waiting for my service. And some of you don’t stop talking enough just to let me say “Excuse me, I have to pay out one of my other customers” w/o me interrupting you and coming across as being rude.

(7) Don’t want to tip? Fine, after all it’s up to you. But don’t run me off my feet, getting me to refill your drinks 5 times, sending your food back several times because it’s too salty or there’s veggies in it and you don’t like them (even though the menu clearly stated your dish had veggies), getting me to go back and forth to get you 3 extra sauces then 4 more and bitch me out for charging you for it, or fulfilling any other of your ridiculous requests. I’m not your slave. And I would like to be able to provide service to my other tables (most of whom *are* potential tippers but are not nearly as demanding as you) without you stopping me, yet again, for some other stupid request. If your child pukes anywhere in the restaurant besides in the toilet (not because he/she got food poisoning or is allergic, but simply because he/she ate too much) and you don’t even help me clean it up, I don’t care what anyone says, I DESERVE A TIP!

...That is all... —One hell of a long bitch but I just had to vent