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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Mom, it annoys me when you...

Posted on Tue, Jun 8, 2010 at 12:23 PM

...narrate what you believe your dog is thinking as a joke in a high pitched baby voice, while referring to yourself, the owner, as "Mommy". You're annoying the shit out of everyone within earshot, including the dog.

...buy people gifts that are actually for your dog. For the past three years you have given everyone gifts that are just dog accessories that follow a theme of something the recipient is actually interested in. Habs fan? Dog Habs jersey and matching booties. Video game enthusiast? Dog Yoshi costume. Musician? Dog collar with musical note tag and musical instrument chew toy that sounds like a rodent being raped by a duck when squeezed.

...chew food for your dog, because the food is too tough for it to chew otherwise. You can't put it in a blender? Or just not feed it hard foods? Or just give it wet dog food and not people food? Once I saw you chew up a carrot and let the dog eat the mush out of your mouth when you thought no one was around.

...do yoga, with your dog. As if yoga wasn't enough lame-ass bullshit for you, Doga? Seriously? You bought a Doga DVD? As much as I hate that yappy little dog it looks like it's in pain when you semi dangle it from its hind legs and force it into downward dog-dog position, besides that, I'm pretty sure it thinks you're trying to have sex with it during some of the weirder poses.

...continue to buy the same breed and name your dogs the same name and then get angry when I don't notice you have a different dog when the previous one dies.

...shower with your dog and then blow dry your hair and the dog at the same time. It's creepy, and excessive, and it clogs the drain. I can't think of anything grosser to pull out of the drain than wet dog hair and your mother's pubes.

...yell at the dog to shut up fruitlessly louder than the actual yapping of the dog. You are not helping the situation.

...buy lip-balm based solely on what flavors the dog likes to lick off of your lips more during "kisses". Gross! After using each tester in the store you get the dog to lick it off your lips while conversing with the dog about which flavor it likes better and thus which you should buy.

...let the dog shit and piss indoors in the winter so that it doesn't get cold. Why not just litter train it when you seem to have trained it to use the entire bathroom floor as a litter box already?

...buy loads of creepy useless stuff for your dog. I thought the battery powered dog back massager was a little weird, until you ordered the sex toy. A fuck doll for the dog? Do you have any idea how unnecessary and creepy a dog blow up doll is? If you must have it, can't you keep it in the closet and not the living room? Or at least put it away when my kids come over? My toddler thinks it's a rocking horse and I'd rather not her play with something your dog repeatedly ejaculates on on.

Mom, I love you and everything, but you have always been the most annoying dog owner in the world. —Ruf

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