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Thursday, October 29, 2009

An open letter to morons

Posted on Thu, Oct 29, 2009 at 9:05 AM

Entertainers spend a lot of time honing their craft. They perfect it until it is ready to take onstage. When they are up there, they deserve our attention and respect - even if they're not as good as we'd like. Until you spend your time putting something together (besides Lego), I'll thank you to at least be polite to the people who have the balls to get out there to make a living as an artist. Here are a few pointers.

*Just because YOU were too cheap to pay cover, and came in halfway through the show, does not mean other people don't want to hear/see what's going on. Some of us paid money, and would actually like to feel good about having spent it.

*Think about what you want BEFORE you sidle up to the bar. Make your order as quick, and as quiet as you can - this is the polite thing to do. Some of us don't want to waste the bartender's time, and we'd rather you don't waste it either.

*You have two hands. When they are held out flat, perpendicular to the floor and brought together quickly, they make a “clapping” sound. Doing this several times in succession is called “applause”. If there is an act on stage, use this particular method of showing your appreciation. (I know, I used the words “perpendicular and “succession”, so I realize this might be a stretch for some of you, but when you’re out in an audience, just watch what other people do that makes the performer happy – you’ll get the hang of it.)

*If you can't hear the act well enough to react in the right places, you're talking too loud. When the venue you are in bursts into laughter or applause, it's probably a pretty good indication that people aren’t there just for the ambience. So shut the hell up and you might see some pretty decent entertainment.

*Cell phones are not a right, they're a privilege. They can be checked like coats if you’re too stupid to figure out that your ringers can be made SILENT. Unless you're expecting a birth or a death in the family, turn the damned thing off. And while we're on the subject, if you're expecting a birth or a death in the family, maybe a live show is not where you should be.

*If you are speaking, and you hear someone say "Ssh!", don't turn around and ask "Was that directed at me?" assume it was, and shut the hell up. Don’t wait until the performers actually have to yell into the microphone and say “if those $&*#@ would shut the $%@# up, I could continue”.

Last but not least, if you can’t manage to do any of the above things to make the entertainment scene a better place, I’m going to start indiscriminately smacking assholes at an entertainment venue near you, only I will wait until a break in the enmtertainment...

---idiots should just stop going to live entertainment venues

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