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Saturday, April 25, 2009

An open letter to Body Break

Posted on Sat, Apr 25, 2009 at 10:12 PM

To Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod: Stop it. Just fucking stop it. You two have been clogging up the airwaves with your creepy fitness coupledom for far too long. Your annoyingly cheery faces have been leering out at me from my television since I was a child, and enough is enough. Your stupid 80s theme music makes me cringe whenever I hear it, it's like fingernails on a chalkboard.

We get it. You love fitness and each other and you just want to share it with the world. Unfortunately, your grating TV personas make me want to beat you to death with a tennis racket. Go cycle off into the sunset and quit offering us your ridiculously inane health tips. I somehow manage to enjoy a healthy lifestyle without being as disgustingly self-satisfied as you two morons, so why don't try to you take it down a notch or two? I mean seriously, has anyone ever jumped off their couch and bought some rollerblades because Hal and Joanne told them it was a good idea?

The worst part about your obnoxious "fitness interludes", aside from the cheesy music and idiotic enthusiasm, is that they are actually funded in part by our government. Taxpayers' money is actually paying your salaries!!! Without a doubt, you are entirely loathsome people who must be stopped.

Also, I didn't think it possible for someone to look like more like a pedophile WITHOUT a mustache, but Hal, you've accomplished it. Congratulations.

In closing, I would just like to say that no two people have managed to nauseate me as consistently and enduringly as you assholes have. I hate you both and hope you choke on a whole grain bagel.

---Yours in deepest malevolence

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