The truth about asexuality
It’s just as confusing as all of the other ones.Plus: Savage Podcast #151
by Dan SavageSavage Lovecast #151
Q As a 43-year-old single gay guy, I recently had my first spanking experience and am feeling extreme self-loathing. I was in a long-term vanilla relationship for most of my adult life and never got to experience anything kinky, but I've had an interest in it.
Long story short, I answered an online ad, went to this guy's house and let him paddle me. I quickly blew and quickly left. There was no sex other than me jerking myself while getting hit.
Now I feel awful. It's not the spanking itself, but rather the anonymous nature of what I did. This type of hookup is not my thing, as I am used to sex in the context of a loving, committed relationship.I feel like I've let myself down, like I dropped my standards and I fear sliding down a slippery slope into a life of anonymous, kinky encounters. I've never wanted to be one of "those guys."
I can't eat, I can't sleep and I feel like puking. I can't talk to any of my friends about this---I'm too embarrassed.
Please put my mind at ease. Please tell me if getting spanked with a hand and paddles is risky for sexually transmitted infections. Also, what can I do to deal with this guilt?
I swear that I'm not exaggerating here, and I feel like I really desperately need someone to talk to about this.--Shouldn't Want Anonymous Thrashings
A There's no way you contracted a sexually transmitted infection during that spanking session, SWAT, so calm the fuck down, OK?
Now.
You lived a little, SWAT, you had a sexual adventure, you took a very short walk on the mild side of the wild side. And you learned something important about yourself in the process: Just having your kink indulged isn't enough. You need your kink indulged in the context of a loving, committed relationship. You want to be spanked by someone you love and who loves you. That's just how you're wired.
And luckily for you, there are lots of good, decent, quality guys out there who are into spanking and interested in loving, committed relationships.
Don't believe me?
You're one of those guys, SWAT. You are living proof that a guy can be relationship material and also be into spanking. Put yourself out there, put your kink out there and you'll meet other guys just like you.
Q Does asexuality actually exist? My partner's younger brother claims to be asexual, but I think he's just a maladjusted little shit and that he's intimidated by the thought of sex. Your thoughts? --The Sister-In-Law
A Asexuality must exist, TSIL, seeing as it has its own website---asexuality.org---where you can read this:
"Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and like [those] in the sexual community we vary widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each other."
I'll probably be accused of asexophobia for suggesting that asexuals who date "sexual people" are obligated to disclose their asexuality, preferably on the first date and certainly no later than the third date.
Asexuals may have the same emotional needs as anyone else, but most of us sexuals---heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals---expect to have our emotional and sexual needs met in our "intimate romantic relationships," thanks, and we're going to want to know if that's not in the cards before we get involved, not after.
Someone who is incapable of meeting a sexual's needs has no business dating a sexual in the first place, if you ask me. At the very least, asexuality must be disclosed.
And I'm still trying to wrap my head around this: "Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate, or to be monogamous in nonsexual relationships can be challenging..."
Um...since monogamy is understood to mean sexual exclusivity---you don't fuck other people---I'm not sure how you define monogamy in a sexless relationship. Does your asexual partner promise not to not fuck other people?
As for your brother-in-law, TSIL, I don't see what his asexuality and/or hang-ups have to do with you. If you're prying into your BIL's sex life, I'd say he's not the only maladjusted little shit in the family.
Q I'm a 19-year-old bisexual female, and my current girlfriend and I have been together about three months.
She is pressuring me to come out to my family. I still live at home with my VERY Catholic parents, and I'm not in a good enough financial position to move out. If I were to come out to them, I wouldn't want to be depending on them for a dwelling, school payments, auto insurance, et cetera.
My girlfriend and I get along great, we are having a lot of fun together, and I wouldn't want to lose her. But she says that she can't be with me if I am ashamed of our relationship.
I just don't know what to do. Am I being a total cunt for hiding our relationship? Or is she? --Comfortable Living In Temporary Secrecy
A She's the cunt, CLITS, totally. The reasons you've given her for not coming out to your family right this minute---the fear of being retaliated against financially, the fear of losing your home, the fear of derailing your education---are not only legit, CLITS, they're the only legit reasons to postpone coming out to your family.
Unless your girlfriend can feed you, clothe you, house you and cover your tuition, she shouldn't be pressuring you to risk your future for the sake of a three-month relationship.
Finally, CLITS, it seems to me that the last thing a young lady with a pair of controlling assholes for parents needs is a controlling asshole for a girlfriend. Just sayin'.
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I would love to be asexual! Imagine how much better life would be, especially if you're a guy, if you don't have to worry about wanting and chasing tail all the time? You could focus on other more important and more productive things. You could still have close and loving relationships, you just wouldn't want to sleep with the other person. It usually just complicates things anyway.
For now, I'll just have to put up with being horny.
Jesus Christ, K., get over yourself. You don't sound like you have an anti-feminist axe to grind or anything. So sorry *your* "widdle feelings" appear to be hurt by this complicated world we live in.
*I* don't care what term you use. Use the pseudo- or at-best-questionably-scientific term 'frigid' all you like, go with the cultural flow of forcing sexual minorities to reduce themselves to pathologies or "information" that you're not entitled to, be an asshole and refuse to consider anyone's identifications (while no doubt, holding strongly to your own, which we could just as easily dismantle). Just be prepared for the verbal bitch-slap when you meet a person who considers themselves to be asexual (or who is a friend of such a person) and knows what they're talking about from experience.
'Impotent' and 'Frigid' are equal terms. One applies to males and the other to females. Bottom line is nobody is getting laid. Please try again and let's leave horticulture out of it this time.
Impotence is not being able to get it up- it usually has nothing to do with how turned on the guy is. Frigid has been used to describe women who are uncomfortable or unable to orgasm during sex. Neither to me, match up with asexual. Also, many words in the english language have double meanings. Actually, most do Kay.
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