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The truth about asexuality

It’s just as confusing as all of the other ones.Plus: Savage Podcast #151

by Dan Savage

Savage Lovecast #151

The Seattle Stranger & Dan Savage

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Q As a 43-year-old single gay guy, I recently had my first spanking experience and am feeling extreme self-loathing. I was in a long-term vanilla relationship for most of my adult life and never got to experience anything kinky, but I've had an interest in it.

Long story short, I answered an online ad, went to this guy's house and let him paddle me. I quickly blew and quickly left. There was no sex other than me jerking myself while getting hit.

Now I feel awful. It's not the spanking itself, but rather the anonymous nature of what I did. This type of hookup is not my thing, as I am used to sex in the context of a loving, committed relationship.I feel like I've let myself down, like I dropped my standards and I fear sliding down a slippery slope into a life of anonymous, kinky encounters. I've never wanted to be one of "those guys."

I can't eat, I can't sleep and I feel like puking. I can't talk to any of my friends about this---I'm too embarrassed.

Please put my mind at ease. Please tell me if getting spanked with a hand and paddles is risky for sexually transmitted infections. Also, what can I do to deal with this guilt?

I swear that I'm not exaggerating here, and I feel like I really desperately need someone to talk to about this.--Shouldn't Want Anonymous Thrashings

A There's no way you contracted a sexually transmitted infection during that spanking session, SWAT, so calm the fuck down, OK?

Now.

You lived a little, SWAT, you had a sexual adventure, you took a very short walk on the mild side of the wild side. And you learned something important about yourself in the process: Just having your kink indulged isn't enough. You need your kink indulged in the context of a loving, committed relationship. You want to be spanked by someone you love and who loves you. That's just how you're wired.

And luckily for you, there are lots of good, decent, quality guys out there who are into spanking and interested in loving, committed relationships.

Don't believe me?

You're one of those guys, SWAT. You are living proof that a guy can be relationship material and also be into spanking. Put yourself out there, put your kink out there and you'll meet other guys just like you.

Q Does asexuality actually exist? My partner's younger brother claims to be asexual, but I think he's just a maladjusted little shit and that he's intimidated by the thought of sex. Your thoughts? --The Sister-In-Law

A Asexuality must exist, TSIL, seeing as it has its own website---asexuality.org---where you can read this:

"Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and like [those] in the sexual community we vary widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each other."

I'll probably be accused of asexophobia for suggesting that asexuals who date "sexual people" are obligated to disclose their asexuality, preferably on the first date and certainly no later than the third date.

Asexuals may have the same emotional needs as anyone else, but most of us sexuals---heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals---expect to have our emotional and sexual needs met in our "intimate romantic relationships," thanks, and we're going to want to know if that's not in the cards before we get involved, not after.

Someone who is incapable of meeting a sexual's needs has no business dating a sexual in the first place, if you ask me. At the very least, asexuality must be disclosed.

And I'm still trying to wrap my head around this: "Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate, or to be monogamous in nonsexual relationships can be challenging..."

Um...since monogamy is understood to mean sexual exclusivity---you don't fuck other people---I'm not sure how you define monogamy in a sexless relationship. Does your asexual partner promise not to not fuck other people?

As for your brother-in-law, TSIL, I don't see what his asexuality and/or hang-ups have to do with you. If you're prying into your BIL's sex life, I'd say he's not the only maladjusted little shit in the family.

Q I'm a 19-year-old bisexual female, and my current girlfriend and I have been together about three months.

She is pressuring me to come out to my family. I still live at home with my VERY Catholic parents, and I'm not in a good enough financial position to move out. If I were to come out to them, I wouldn't want to be depending on them for a dwelling, school payments, auto insurance, et cetera.

My girlfriend and I get along great, we are having a lot of fun together, and I wouldn't want to lose her. But she says that she can't be with me if I am ashamed of our relationship.

I just don't know what to do. Am I being a total cunt for hiding our relationship? Or is she? --Comfortable Living In Temporary Secrecy

A She's the cunt, CLITS, totally. The reasons you've given her for not coming out to your family right this minute---the fear of being retaliated against financially, the fear of losing your home, the fear of derailing your education---are not only legit, CLITS, they're the only legit reasons to postpone coming out to your family.

Unless your girlfriend can feed you, clothe you, house you and cover your tuition, she shouldn't be pressuring you to risk your future for the sake of a three-month relationship.

Finally, CLITS, it seems to me that the last thing a young lady with a pair of controlling assholes for parents needs is a controlling asshole for a girlfriend. Just sayin'.

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