Q I'm a bearish 44-year-old who can't get a hot Latin 18-year-old guy to stop sucking my dick. Craigslist was involved initially. But now he comes by for weekly sessions of mutual head and leaves immediately afterward. His round trip on the subway lasts longer than his stays at my place. He's a sweet kid but deeply closeted; given what little I know of his Dominican family and group of friends, he's years away from coming out. I'm under no illusion that I'm what he's looking for, but I am an available sexual outlet.
The trouble for me is he won't do anything social with me, and the novelty of getting naked with an 18-year-old has worn off. I could stop seeing him, but saying, "You give great head, but you bore me" is rude. I'm mindful of your rule about treating younger partners like campsites: Leave them in better shape than you found them. I'm doing that, by showing him that it's possible to be openly gay and have support from family and friends, but I don't know where to go next. --Not Wild About The Boy
A Don't sell yourself short, NWATB: It's possible that he's into you. He could be one of those younger guys who prefer older men, and bearish older guys could be his type. But the eat-and-run routine makes it somewhat likelier that you're not, in fact, what he's looking for, but all he feels he can safely get. You're far enough away geographically, and far enough removed socially, that there's no risk of exposure.
Anyway, here's what you do: Tell him that he's hot, tell him that he's a good little cocksucker, but that's not enough for you to sustain your interest. You're not asking to meet his friends or family but if he wants to keep blowing you, well, there's going to be some getting to know you. He'll have to risk a conversation now and then, maybe even watching a movie together sometime at your apartment. Tell him you can't be friends-with-benefits with someone who isn't a friend.
A lot of desperate-to-stay-closeted cases convince themselves that they won't ever have to come out if they can get their sexual needs met in one place and their emotional needs met in another. By showing him that a healthy gay person successfully integrates his sexual and emotional needs---which you'll have done whether he keeps coming over or not---you'll be honouring the campsite rule.
Q I'm a man who just got out of a two-year relationship with a great girl. She was always a little controlling, so I'm glad to be out of the relationship. But I was still providing her with a lot of emotional support. This was fine until she started bothering me for advice on what to do about her rebound relationship. This seemed beyond the call of duty, and I suggested to her that we needed to re-evaluate our boundaries. She flipped out and has threatened to force all our mutual friends to pick her over me. I'm also worried that she will tell everyone we know about my pegging kink. I'm comfortable with that aspect of myself, but other people don't need to know. Do I stick up for kinks or deny it and blame a vengeful ex? --Kink-outing Is Not Kind
A Denial won't work if your vengeful ex has photos or video that she's willing to deploy. So if there's evidence, KINK, prepare yourself to own your kink and laugh it off. Assholes and vengeful exes can only use the details of your turn-ons against you if you're ashamed of them. If you don't care who knows, or you can fake it, the people who know won't care that they know, you know? Shrug off the reveal, laugh along with any good-natured ribbing and look on the bright side: You could have mutual female friends who are interested in pegging and, after they hear the news, interested in you.
Q I know you were raised Catholic but are now an atheist. I'm curious if you might still believe in god if you exposed yourself to other faith traditions that are more accepting of gay people. Have you looked at Buddhism or Hinduism? There is a great deal of evidence for reincarnation, and what better way to say "it gets better" than by saying you get to do it again and again until you get it right? --Born Again And Again
A The Catholic Church's stance on homosexuality gave me a big sad when I was an adolescent, it's true, but I didn't come to the conclusion that there is no god based solely on that. My sexuality prompted me to question not just the faith in which I was raised, BAAA, but all faiths. And none, in my semi-informed opinion, stood up to scrutiny. I simply don't know how any reasonable person can look at all world religions, living and dead, and come to the conclusion that one particular tribe or prophet or science-fiction writer got it right and every other tribe, prophet and science-fiction writer got it wrong.
But if I was gonna pick a faith based on gayness alone, I would go with Antinous. He was the big gay lover of the big gay second-century Roman emperor Hadrian, the dude who built the wall that kept Mary Queen of Scots from sneaking into Roman Britain and stealing the scones of stones or something. Hadrian, a bearish guy in his 40s, was hopelessly in love with Antinous, a Bithynian teenager. Hadrian's Bithynian, like the NWATB's Dominican, must have given amazing head because after Antinous died---he drowned while swimming in the Nile---Hadrian had him declared a god. Take it away, Wikipedia:
"The grief of the emperor knew no bounds, causing the most extravagant veneration to be paid to Antinous' memory. Cities were founded in his name, medals struck with his likeness, and cities throughout the east commissioned godlike images of the dead youth for their shrines and sanctuaries... As a result, Antinous is one of the best-preserved faces from the ancient world."
My husband Terry looks like Antinous---it's true---so, yeah, I'd hit and/or worship that.
As for reincarnation, well, have you seen Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? I wouldn't mind coming back as that magical pair of pants---only, instead of being passed between best friends Lena, Tibby, Bridget and Carmen, I'd like to be passed between Broadway stars Cheyenne, Andrew, Nick and Kyle. And instead of being a pair of magical blue jeans, I'd like to be a magical dance belt. If there's a religion that could make that happen for me, BAAA, sign my ass up.
SAVAGE LOVE »
posted by DAN SAVAGE, Jan 19/17
Dan tackles a few very particular and extreme fetishes, including ear sex, homelessness and suicide. comments 0
SAVAGE LOVE »
posted by DAN SAVAGE, Jan 12/17
What should I tell the dancers if my junk is locked up? Plus: My straight boyfriend wants me to call him a gay slur. comments 0
SAVAGE LOVE »
posted by DAN SAVAGE, Jan 5/17
Keep it subtle when you’re hiring escorts and taking your cam-girlfriend to parties. Plus: Alternative places to meet people. comments 0
SAVAGE LOVE »
posted by DAN SAVAGE, Dec 22/16
Dan digs into his Christmas Spectacular mailbag to pull out some of the things he couldn’t answer live. comments 0
SAVAGE LOVE »
posted by DAN SAVAGE, Dec 15/16
Searching for answers in a pre-Trump America, including tips on how to survive his presidency. comments 0
SAVAGE LOVE »
posted by DAN SAVAGE, Dec 8/16
If you’re just out of a bad relationship, here are some steps to getting back into the game of life. Plus: Dick pics. comments 0
Hipp5...I don't pay a councillor $82,0000 for being on twitter all day and re-tweeting tweets…
China starts up two new coal fired power plants every week...
Yeah, why doesn't that shithead focus on all of the crap coming over in huge…