Preparation is key
Wisdom from a woman who digs women, the melty Georgia Richards.
It's summertime, and the ladies are out in full force. And you, my dear queer sex-machine, love every one of them. You, like myself and every other lesbian, encounter the same dilemma each summer: How do I pick up ladies?
Step 1: Pre-game strategy
First, clean your place. Not just your bedroom, the WHOLE thing. (You know why? Because it's scary to be naked in a gross apartment.) Next, always have a bottle of something alcoholic on hand, preferably Jameson---it is lesbian catnip. Now, get dressed. But try not to wear plaid---you want to stand out a bit. Call a friend who is slightly less attractive than you to be your wingman. Lastly, hide $10 in your bedroom before you leave the house (just wait, you weirdo).
Step 2: Drinking, part 1
We all know that drinking comes in two parts. And it is summer after all, so the first part is deck beers. Deck beers are an integral part of the summer pick-up experience. It's the part where you find a sweet patio somewhere in Halifax to sit on, and you shoot the shit with your wingman and build your confidence. And the bonus part is that patios have sweet, stalker-y views of public spaces. Like sidewalks, where ladies are known to stroll. Mmmhmm.
Step 2, continued:
Drinking, part 2
So you've had a few beers on your favourite patio, you've entered into "ladykiller" mode and it's time to go downtown. Think about your options. There are a million bars in Halifax, but really only three that give you a statistically better chance of getting some hot summer lovin'. They are The Company House (2202 Gottingen Street), Menz and Mollyz (2182 Gottingen Street) and Reflections (5184 Sackville Street). I pick where I'm going based on what/who I feel like doing that night. CoHo girls are better in bed. Menz bar girls have bigger boobs. And Reflections girls never wear underwear. These are clearly real statistics.
Step 3: Introductions
So you get where you're going. You are confident and your wingman is by your side. Grab yourself a beverage and take a walk around. Pick out a few ladies that make you feel melty. Melty is key. Then begin the process of wooing. Start by making eye contact. Don't just jump in slapping asses and handing out your number. (Be cool, stallion.) Smile a bit. No gawking. If you have a good wingman, get her to size up the situation for you. Does your target have a lady already? Is she seemingly without a date? If the answer to the latter is yes, continue.
Step 4: Conversation
She seems single and you're ready to talk. Go say hey. But don't buy her a drink just yet. You need to say something interesting or she'll take your drink and leave. Have a few sweet conversation starters prepared. Periods and ex-girlfriends are things you will undoubtedly have in common, but let's not talk about them, OK? Try things that will get her talking. Stay away from "comfortable" lesbian topics. For instance, she will want to talk about her cats. Cut her off and talk about something sexier. You could always talk about me. Like this, "Hey, did you read that article in The Coast that Georgia wrote about getting laid? I'm looking forward to having Step 5 and 6 with you." Bam.
Step 5: Getting her home
Despite your best efforts to change the conversation, you know all about her pets and how she knooows Megan Leslie is straight but is confident that she has what it takes to convert her. Take this as a sign. This is the time to make your move. Tell her you have Jameson at home. Consider winking.
Step 6: Getting her out
Here's hoping everything worked and things got sweaty. Now, for the awkward part. The surefire way to get a girl to leave is to pay up. So pull out that $10 bill from your nightstand and repeat after me: "I called you a cab." Kiss her on the cheek and say it's on you. Doing this will forgive the "get the balls out of my house" vibe you're putting out, and she may even come back sometime.
Repeat steps 1-6 as necessary/ affordable.
Georgia Richards is a nerd by day, sound tech by night. Talk to her @georgiasaurus.
Wisdom from a man who digs women, confident Philip Clark.
Picking up in the summer presents a special challenge for a guy. Most women want to hang out with the friends they already have without being pestered by single male losers such as yourself. Fortunately for you, I'm willing to share a few of my seduction secrets. With these simple techniques you are guaranteed to score with any woman anywhere at any time.
You don't have to be handsome or rich, or charming, or talented, or intelligent or have any appealing characteristics at all, really. All you need is total confidence. A confident man will always have women falling at his feet, wriggling and flopping around like sexy fish.
Growing a pair of balls is like growing any other living thing. You have to give them plenty of water and expose them to sunlight as frequently as possible. It helps if you talk to them sometimes too. Every single time you catch a glimpse of your own reflection, in a bus window for example, repeat this sentence 20 times: "I am the most ridiculously fascinating man in the universe." Use a big bold voice. You have to say it out loud, or it doesn't work. The next step is to approach some ladies. Women need to feel safe and comfortable before they will decide to get naked with you. So right away it's important to show that you have good emotional relationships with female people. Take your mom to Sappyfest with you and get her really drunk. Get her so wasted she can barely walk by herself. Then guide her all around the festival while you talk to girls. Nothing attracts women faster than a guy helping out his mom.
Never, ever exercise or go to the gym. By working out, you're admitting you're a loser who can't burn enough calories just by having sex. Whenever you see musclebound dudes at the beach, take care to remind them how pathetic they are. This lets everyone know you are the true alpha male; the dominant male of any social group. When you're the alpha male, you're the leader of all dudes and you'll always be first with the hottest women. You can prove your alpha male status by starting lots of arguments with strangers. Women find this a huge turn-on. If you're at a show and your date seems to be paying too much attention to the band, pick a fight with the singer. Then pick a fight with the bartender. Chicks are very intuitive, so remember to kick and scream a lot while the bouncers drag you out. This shows her how passionate you'd be in bed.
Part of your nightly regimen should include sending out X-rated text messages to every female you've ever met. When you do this, be sure to mention the fact that you're sitting in a cop car. Women love bad boys.
Philip Clark's forthcoming book is called Think Your Way Into Her Pants. Follow him on Twitter at @hotaction.