Pin It


Dan Savage knows his shit. Literally.

Q I'm a high-school girl with big problems. All my life I've worn boy clothes and had male friends, mainly because I'm into "male" things like video games and geek stuff. As high school approached, Mother Nature flipped me off with DD breasts and hips that would make Shakira jealous.

I don't even identify as female. I've come to terms with the fact that my mentality doesn't match up with my vagina. But now most male clothes don't fit and my male peers don't take me seriously because of my body, even though I wear my hair short, wear no makeup, and go by a male nickname. I'm not a lesbian. I like boys. I just wish I could be one of them, too. I'm too young for breast-reduction surgery or gender-reassignment counseling, but these are things I'm considering.

My parents are shaken and unsure, but loving and supportive. My best friends have no idea of the issues I'm facing. Any tips on dealing with this and trying to adjust accordingly?

—Troubled Tomboy

A "I'm struck by Troubled Tomboy's kickass confidence," says Seguin Spear, a case manager at Lyon-Martin Women's Health Services (, a community-based nonprofit in San Francisco that provides services to women and transgender people. "While he's clearly holding his own, I'm concerned about TT getting enough understanding and space to explore his gender identity."

Spear says there are three things that all transgender people need. "First, feeling loved, accepted and understood," says Spear. "Second, getting adequate support for exploration of gender experience, identity and expression. And third, having access to good, transgender-competent medical information and care."

You won't find any of that in your average American high school. We live in a culture that is, says Spear, "frequently hostile toward people who don't fit into artificial binary gender norms." That's putting it mildly. As I learned watching High School Musical—under duress—boys who bake strudels are regarded as gender outlaws in American high schools. So brace yourself for a bumpy ride if you start opening up to your friends about this stuff, TT.

But combating the isolation kids like you experience in high school was one of the reasons Al Gore teamed up with Larry Flynt to invent the internets, a series of tubes that transports health information, YouTube videos and pornography into our homes. "TT has access to community and support anywhere there's net access," says Spear, "and FTMInternational ( is a good place to start."

But be careful out there, kiddo. There are predators lurking on the internets, just as there are predators lurking in the halls of Congress and area churches. (Parents should have to Google "youth pastor" before giving their teens permission to hang out at megachurches.) Spear and I, however, trust you'll be able to use your "geek-sharp critical-thinking skills," as Spear puts it, to avoid the creeps.

In some ways, TT, you're lucky. Your parents may be shaken and unsure, but a lot of transgenders would cut off their—oops, sorry. A lot of transgenders would give their left—shit, that's a poor choice of words, too. Hell, let's just say a lot of transgenders lack in the "loving and supportive parents" department. "Many transgender and genderqueer kids face familial rejection," says Spear, "and it's great TT doesn't have to deal with that."

Spear agrees it's too early for surgery. "But it's a great time for TT to start exploring his identity with someone who isn't personally invested in TT's choices," says Spear. "Therapists specializing in gender frequently offer phone sessions so trans and genderqueer people who live outside of larger cities can access gender-competent services." Therapy can be costly, "but even a few sessions could offer some emotional backup and tools for coping with confused or threatened family and friends.

"Finally, TT, do whatever it takes to keep sane," says Spear. "Be gentle with yourself, and know there's lots of love for you out here."

Q I am a straight female and I've been in a relationship for two years. Is it bad to get tired of the same things all the time? I want a change. I am only 20 years old and I want to live my life and not be tied down all the time with some controlling guy. He won't allow me to have friends or talk to anyone, but when I try to break up with him he cries and promises me he will change and I take him back and we go through the same thing all over again. I don't want to hurt him. I just want out of this relationship. What should I say to him? And how do I deal with the crying and broken promises? Please help!

—Stuck with Him

A Go ahead and hurt the controlling, manipulative piece of shit, SWH. He doesn't let you have friends? He doesn't want you talking to anyone? Those are the early warning signs of an abuser, sister. He's already abusing you emotionally, with insincere tears and false promises. The longer you stay, the greater the odds he'll start abusing you physically. Dump the motherfucker already.

And if you can't handle the tears, SWH, don't subject yourself to them. Live together? Pack up when he's at work and move out. Don't live together? Even easier. Just call him and tell him it's over, you're gone and hang up when he starts crying.

Q Recently, I had the chance to reconnect with a friend from school. After one too many drinks, she confided in me about her sexual habits, telling me she likes "soiling." I stupidly asked what it was. The answer was probably the most disgusting thing I've ever heard: "You get some poo, and then you rub it on each other's skin." Apart from this shocking admission, she is a really nice girl. She is Christian and works in a caring profession. To look at her, you would never guess. But I don't want to see her again because I am grossed out by the mental image. My question: Is it fair to end a friendship over someone's sexual practices?

—Shocked Over Soiling

A Jesus loves everyone—including, ostensibly, the poop-rubbed ones who work in caring professions. But you're no one's saviour, SOS, so you're under no obligation to be similarly promiscuous with your affections. But it isn't this woman's fetish that gives you grounds to end this friendship. It's her bad judgment and lack of consideration.

Lots of people have creepy fetishes; the only way to avoid being friends with creepy fetishists is to refrain from having friends at all. What disqualifies this woman as a friend isn't her fetish, per se, it's her willingness to burden you with wholly unnecessary details about her sex life. For all you know, half your friends, both your parents, your boss and a certain advice professional are into soiling. But they have the good sense and common decency not to share this information with you.

Now some fetishes are charming/quirky, and friends may feel comfortable sharing these. But soiling and/or poop fetishes are best managed on a "need to know" basis—and the only people who need to know about your friend's soiling fetish are the people she soils, is soiled by or hopes to soil.

Know something you didn’t need to? Email


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Latest in Savage Love

    Defining The Trump Talk


    Defining The Trump Talk

    posted by DAN SAVAGE, Oct 20/16

    A reader suggests the conversation we have with our daughters about terrible men be dubbed The Trump Talk. comments      0

    Senior moments


    Senior moments

    posted by DAN SAVAGE, Oct 13/16

    Advice for the aged, including tips on how to find a younger woman, pleasing your porn-obsessed lady and cuddle buddies. comments      0

    Vulva culture


    Vulva culture

    posted by DAN SAVAGE, Oct 6/16

    I can’t solve my recurring vulva problems! Plus: I’m a lady who loves biking but not crotch pain. Can you help? comments      0

    The one-time cheater


    The one-time cheater

    posted by DAN SAVAGE, Sep 29/16

    If you’re sure it was a mistake, maybe keep it to yourself. Plus: Is my boyfriend’s online behaviour racist? comments      0

    Ready to date, now what?


    Ready to date, now what?

    posted by DAN SAVAGE, Sep 22/16

    Whether you’re a twentysomething teacher or closeted 64-year-old gay man, it’s totally possible! Dan shows you how. comments      0

    More Hands, fewer butts


    More Hands, fewer butts

    posted by DAN SAVAGE, Sep 15/16

    Dan fields readers’ personal requests to porn stars and Instagram celebrities. comments      0

  • More »

Coast Top Ten

Recent Comments

In Print This Week

Vol 24, No 21
October 20, 2016

Cover Gallery »

Real Time Web Analytics

© 2016 Coast Publishing Ltd.