Masquerading as a benevolent folk hero for centuries, one clever capitalist has us all hoodwinked: Santa Claus is one of them.
Witness: He sips brandy and dines on Beluga caviar, reclining in a fur-trimmed smoking jacket while a factory teeming with elves tirelessly handcraft Lego and Barbies. That's why he's so jolly.
The North Pole makes for an ideal offshore paradise, free of authority and legal consequences, and ripe for enslaving an arsenal of tiny, nimble fingers. And all naughty, radical workers who start whispering about unions? They're sent to work in CEO Claus's coal mines.
The twinkle in his eye is just the knowing glint of a man who's been getting away with the world's most elaborate tax-dodge. He claims he works one day a year, but meanwhile he's raking in the dough making guest appearances on Fox sitcoms and shilling for Coca-Cola, smizing all the way to the bank.
The man's a mogul.
And you'd better believe this fatcat has friends in high places. While the rest of Canada's newcomers are doomed to bureaucratic headaches, 10-year-long waits and cavity-searches, immigration minister Jason Kenney simply awarded Claus with Canadian citizenship without prompt.
"The Government of Canada wishes Santa the very best in his Christmas Eve duties and wants to let him know that, as a Canadian citizen, he has the automatic right to re-enter Canada once his trip around the world is complete," said a 2008 statement from Kenney, who appears to be on an first-name basis with his pal.
Don't get your hopes up though, Kenney. As soon as the UK appoints him Lord Claus of Candyflossharbour, we rubes will be tossed aside like Mrs. Claus' last-season Birkin bag.
So chillins of the world, it's time to break away from this ruler of your heart. Hold a bed-in like John and Yoko and don't come down the stairs until his capitalist bribes are tossed and all the clementines are out of the house.