Everybody poops. A children's book said it. Toilet paper companies make millions off of it, and doctors get worried if you aren't doing it...but nobody wants to be the one to prove it. It's time to flush away your shame. With the help of Coast readers we've created the seven deadly shit tips---a guide to confident campus crapping. We've found a few secret stalls for you too, the tried and true pristine poopers that've been handed down by alumni like a golden baton.
TIP #1: The Double Flush
It's the one-two punch. Flush while partaking in your business and not only will it be disposed of so quickly it won't have time to linger, but it'll camouflage any grunts you make as well. Then, post-wiperoo pretend to blow your nose and flush again. Foolproof!
TIP #2: The Lingering Wash
So you're in a private bathroom and it was glorious. But now you have to leave and who knows what might be lurking in the hallway! I hope you were already planning to wash your hands. Do that, but wash 'em a couple more times for good measure. Use lots of soap and get a brilliant lather. The suds should soak the smell right out of the air.
TIP #3: The 'It Was Like That When I Got Here' Look
You've just soiled a single bathroom oasis, the smell hasn't dissipated despite your lengthy hand-washing and there's someone waiting outside. Here's a look I've perfected: As you leave crinkle your nose like "I just had to pee in this smelly bathroom it was awful." Smile helplessly---like "Good luck in there, it's a minefield." If completed correctly the person waiting will be thrown off your scent, shifting blame to a phantom pooper who's now claimed two victims.
TIP #4: Climbing The Tower and Finding the Dungeon
It's a universally known fact that people are lazy, so the further from the main level you can go, the better. Take the stairs, ride the elevator, just go up as high or low as you can and find a bathroom. It's probably deserted.
TIP #5: More Coffee Plz
Got a convenient break coming up? Chug one down and wait for it to work its magic. The secret to a successful public poop is speediness. Hangovers will also work beautifully for this.
TIP #6: The Friendly Flush
There's nothing like a well-timed bowel movement, and if you're an expert at priming the pump and then waiting for your opening just as another toilet flushes, let 'er go. No one will hear your explosive business and you can get in and out with someone else. There's anonymity in crowds, you know.
TIP #7: The Revolution
Just take a shit. There, I said it. Who are these assholes that shame people for answering nature's call? Those people should be made to feel uncomfortable, not you. Let the world hear your rumpus roar, and then leave that stall with the confidence of someone who will not let other people dictate the comfort of their colon. Be the change you wish to see...in the bathroom. a
Secret campus stalls
Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences building: On Level 1 there are two large single bathrooms with concrete walls, go during classes for maximum privacy.
Computer Sciences building: @adamundefined recommends the large individual basement bathrooms.
Student Union Building: According to @dalifax the third-floor private bathrooms are rarely used, always clean and boast massive private double stage doors with deadbolts.
Sir James Dunn building: Third floor, says @bealangi.
McNally building: @CaptSwiggy can vouch for any of the northside bathrooms, although the 4th/5th floors are considered best.
Student Union Building: @JacobGoulden assures us that the basement will be both roomy and private.
Rosaria Student Centre: Our own @alliesaysrelax reveals that both the second and third floors are prime real estate, but be wary of fornicators. Also first floor Seton.
Share your tips @twitcoast, #craponcampus