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My Bloody Valentine 3D 

Flying pickaxes and eyeballs won't win any hearts.

Without the 3D, My Bloody Valentine 3D would probably be released direct to video and forgotten. (You can watch it in theatres not equipped for the third dimension, which would be like playing records without speakers.) Like Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare, it's a film so lame they had to make it 3D. And unlike that sequel, the effect here often succeeds as a fun gimmick, rather than a frustrating one. Flying pickaxe and popping eyeball effects do what they can to counter the murky photography and character disinterest.

A remake of the 1981 picture shot in Sydney Mines, Nova Scotia, this version lacks the original's unique look for slasherdom. And director Patrick Lussier (Dracula 2000) doesn't match George Mihalka's authentic, small-town feel. What we get is dueling WB and CW leads (Dawson's Creek's Kerr Smith plays the town sheriff who despises Supernatural's Jensen Ackles, the lead pickaxe-happy-suspect). Nothing much engages because Lussier keeps fighting his instinct to let his material get crazy.

The praised full-frontal parking lot scene involving actress Betsy Rue is frankly misogynistic because it's isolated as the one time My Bloody Valentine allows itself off-the-rails lunacy. The rest barrels through motions without surprise. The real direct-to-video slasher Return to Sleepaway Camp has more personality----legitimate '80s horror camp with a sense of wit and portrait of cruelty that's giddy and disturbing.

My Bloody Valentine 3D exhibits the worst Scream by-product of slashers like Urban Legends: Final Cut, Valentine and Darkness Falls: It's filled with the type of soap-opera figures that no horror fan would care to befriend.

My Bloody Valentine 3D
Rated R (MPAA) · 101 min. · 2009
Official Site: www.mybloodyvalentinein3d.com
Director: Patrick Lussier
Writer: Todd Farmer and Zane Smith
Producer: Jack L. Murray
Cast: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith, Betsey Rue, Edi Gathegi, Tom Atkins, Kevin Tighe and Megan Boone

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