It could happen to any one of us, nobody is safe—you decide you're staying in for the holidays and then #FOMO rears its ugly head and the next thing you know you're viciously thumbing through Instagram wishing all your so-called friends hadn't deserted you Kevin McCallister style. I mean, a real friend would force you to be social when you'd rather eat handfuls of chocolate chips and peanut butter with a spoon, right? So now what, you're home and you're miserable and worst of all your social cred is plummeting—you're probably a laughing stock. In fact, if everyone knows you're Home Alone like a big loser you're a prime target for house-thieving and murder: Do you think criminals take a night off? I didn't think so! There is only one thing left to do—fake a banging New Year's Eve through social media. Your life might just depend on it.
Step 1: Look the part
First things first, you need to do something about your appearance. Normally I hold no judgment for the greasy-haired sweatpants look, but that's just not gonna fly for a glamourous celebration. Spray a shit ton of dry shampoo in your hair and shake it around like you just stumbled out of a business meeting with a hottie in a bathroom. Next, put on something black and/or glittery. Black will disguise the nacho-cheese smears and the sequins will dazzle viewers into submission. Don't bother with pants, just shoot from the boobs up.
Step 2: Set the stage and gather your “friends”
If we learned anything from Kevin McCallister it’s that people are stupid, no one really cares about you, someone is definitely planning to rob you during the holidays and your neighbours will peer in your windows if they get a chance. Turn on every light in your house and crank the music up, grab a mishmash of household objects and arrange them so the shadows look like people—you saw the movie it’s the classic con. Check out you and all your friends! Everyone is having such a great time! Log at least one noise complaint and keep the change, ya filthy animal!
Step 3: Make it believable
Spoiler alert: This is the fun part. Post a chaotic Snapchat of you screaming gleefully and spilling wine everywhere. OMG you're so totally drunk, you must be having so much fun. Only drunk people have as much fun as you're having. Try to keep the lights low and something strobing. #turntup #underground2016 #secretparty #VIPbitches. At midnight make sure to tweet all about new beginnings while you post a selfie giving sultry duck-face. Bonus points if you include confetti against a cool backdrop.
Step 4: Keep selling it
The next morning is the real clincher. Splash some water on your face and make sure you've got eyeliner still smudged under your eyes and post a crappy day-after pic. "What a night, who knew 2016 would be started off with such a rager? I think I'm dying, can't wait to get brunch with the crew." And if anyone asks what you did for New Year's, always stick as close to the truth as possible—you wouldn't believe me if I told you. Hashtag winning.
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