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Halifax nightclub survival guide 

Here are the solutions to 10 worst-case scenarios we all might encounter some night, out at those downtown clubs you swore you’d never step foot in (but somehow find yourself there).

click to enlarge COURTNEY KELSEY

Worst Case Scenario #1: You're getting creeped on

A nightclub can be a great time. Or it can be like piranha-infested waters, with those gold chain-sporting dude-bros circling the edge of the dance floor and looking for someone unsuspecting to dry-hump in an off-tempo rhythm. We're conditioned to be polite in the Maritimes, but brutal honesty works best. Just go ahead and tell that sweaty guy to quit shoving his thighbone into your groin on the dance floor and tell that sloshed barnacle-on-your-thigh girl she's definitely not puking up her vodka Red Bull in your sheets tonight.

Worst Case Scenario #2: Someone has a camera

Facebook ruins going out. It doesn't matter how black-out you get; you can't deny anything if your every move is documented in someone's public album titled "Crazzzy Hawt Times in Halifornia." If you want to get hammered in a club without someone tagging those photos of you missing your mouth and pouring a pitcher onto your shoulder, the only solution is to drink in disguise. You can find convincing wigs at The Hairdresser's Market (1226 Hollis Street), which will also make it easier to dodge annoying co-workers or former classmates.

Worst Case Scenario #3: You're wearing open-toed shoes

Remember when you were a kid and your mom forced you to wear those dorky mesh swimming shoes to protect your feet in murky lakes? Best to remember a similar dress code when heading out, considering drunk students lose their hand-eye coordination and splatter the bathroom floors with urine. Plus, broken glass on rowdy dance floors can make wearing sandals a real liability. If you're going to let your toes hang out, stuff your pockets with wet wipes and Band-Aids for emergencies.

Worst Case Scenario #4: The drug scavengers are after you

Any party after 2am has those vultures looking for their next hit. First comes the aside of "Hey know where I can find anything, uh...harder?" Then the repetition of "Are you sure you can't help me?" Followed by pleading offers to pay you for those imaginary drugs you never had in the first place. If you want these guys to leave in a hurry, turn the question around on them.

Worst Case Scenario #5: You've lost your coat check ticket

Without your ticket, plenty of coat check staff will refuse to give you your stuff, telling you to come back in the morning. Need your wallet, keys or jacket to get back to your apartment safely? Tough. Try identifying the items in your pockets or purse, and you might just get your belongings back. In future, stash coat check tickets somewhere more secure. I've never lost a drink ticket stashed in the toe of my pantyhose.

Worst Case Scenario #6: Was it something you ate?

So you feel like a hot-air balloon. Maybe that mysterious line you snorted off the toilet paper dispenser with five strangers in a bathroom stall was cut with baby laxatives or maybe those shots of Sour Puss and Jagermeister didn't mix well. Whatever the culprit, nothing kills a dance party like bad gas. Do yourself and everyone else a favour and go home. You might want to hit the Beano before going out next time.

Worst Case Scenario #7: That hefty bouncer is heading straight for you

Sure, you can cave to your tequila-fuelled instincts and scream "Get away from me, YOU FASCIST!," but you'll likely spend a sleepless night in the drunk tank, the stench of dried sweat assaulting your nostrils. Pause for a second: Are you swigging that bottle of bourbon in plain view? Are you making out with someone in a broom closet? Are you standing on a counter/table/chair and missing articles of clothing? If the answer to any of the above is yes, it's useless to try and argue your way out of this one. Your main priority should be grabbing your keys and jacket at the coat check before the bouncer tosses you to the curb.

Worst Case Scenario #8: You've been groped, like, five times.

Getting your rear end grabbed by frat-boy types is a distinct possibility when you're out at night. These cowardly gropers will cop a feel while walking past you, only to slip away undetected into the crowd. Take cue from my great-grandmother Marjorie: When someone groped her on a crowded tram, she swiftly snagged the bum-grabber's wrist, refusing to release him until she'd given him a piece of her mind.

Worst Case Scenario #9: You want to impress someone

So let's say you meet someone you're attracted to at a downtown club, right after they witness you pole dancing to Rebecca Black. How do you make a grimy evening more romantic? Suggest sharing some chow mein at Robie Foods Chop Suey House (3095 Robie Street). The walk and the food will help you both sober up and decide if you still like each other under regular indoor lighting.

Worst Case Scenario #10: It's last call

Get out before they turn the lights on! You really don't want to see the gritty film that coats everyone after a night of partying. Leave while you still have the happy memories of a night spent dancing under the warm glow of neon lights with all those beautiful, vibrant people. And you can always come back tomorrow.

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October 20, 2016

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