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Don’t ignore your own urges 

Boobs, vibrators and the power politics of masturbation. Plus, check out a trans man’s t-shirt company for a good cause.

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Q Is it normal for my man to be so attracted to boobs that even though mine are beautiful and perfect, my boyfriend still wants to look at every other woman with a set of big boobs that he can? Aren't mine enough?

--Boyfriend Ogles Other Breasts

A You sound like a new reader, BOOB, so before we get to the advice, I wanna welcome you to the Savage Love family. With that out of the way...

Nope, yours aren't enough.

Yep, it's normal for a straight man to look at women's boobs---boobs on the woman he's with, boobs on women he's not with, boobs on women who don't technically exist and can't be gotten with, e.g., Veronica Lodge, Lara Croft, Nicki Minaj. Did you think checking out boobs was a symptom of leukemia or something? And while your set may well be practically perfect in every way---which would make you the Mary Poppins of boobs---your man is still gonna check out other women's sets.   

But your man shouldn't be a dick about it. While it's perfectly normal for a partnered straight guy to check out other women---just as it's perfectly normal for a partnered straight woman to check out other men (see you at Magic Mike this weekend, ladies)---your man should be discreet. He can train himself to look without looking like he's looking; he can learn to check out other women without ogling them. It's not about hiding the fact that he's looking, it's about caring enough to take your feelings into consideration, BOOB, to say nothing of the feelings of the other women he's checking out.

And if he can look without being an inconsiderate dick about it, BOOB, you should let him look without being an insecure bitch about it---don't blow up or melt down if you catch him taking a quick, subtle look at another woman's boobs. Because if he's considerate enough to be discreet, BOOB, you can be considerate enough to turn a blind eye.

Q I've been with my boyfriend since I was 15. I'm 20 now. In all the time we've been together, I've never had an orgasm. For a long time, I wanted to get a vibrator, but my boyfriend hated that idea and never wanted me to get one because he says he already feels like crap that he can't get me off. Recently, I thought, "What the hell---I want to see what happens!" So I bought one on my own. The very first time I used it, I got off in two minutes. Now I feel stupid for not buying one sooner. My question is...

How do I tell him? Should I tell him? He always wanted to be the first person to give me an orgasm, and as far as he knows, I still haven't had one. --Couldn't Wait Forever

A Tell your boyfriend you bought a vibrator, CWF. If the boyfriend has a sad about your purchase---and your ability to climax (congrats!)---tell him that some women require the kind of intense, focused stimulation that only a vibrator can provide in order to get off, and, as it turns out, you're one of those women. And he can still be the first person to give you an orgasm: He can give you one with a vibrator in his hand. And if he acts like an insecure bitch about it, CWF, if he blows up or melts down, well...

New vibrator, newly orgasmic---maybe it's time for a new boyfriend, too?

Q I am a woman who has been with my male partner for one year. We live together and get along well. Our relationship is "monogamish," and we're both totally GGG. The thing is, our sex has dwindled rapidly. I have a high sex drive and would prefer to be having sex more often. It really sucks being turned down all the time. When I bring it up, he gets mad and says I'm making him feel bad. But honestly, all I'm doing is letting him know that I'm hot for him. I am not trying to make him feel bad or put pressure on him. I now ignore my sexual urges unless he initiates something. But I feel hurt when he tells me how much he masturbates. He masturbates when I'm at work and when I'm asleep. He is always masturbating. As much as I enjoy self-pleasuring and know it's good for a person to do, it seems he would rather masturbate than have sex with me. What's a gal to do? --Sadly Pensive And Neglected Kinkster

A A gal is to DTMFA, SPANK.

Couples counselors and sex-advice professionals have a term for people who rebuff their partner's sexual advances and then go out of their way to inform their partners that they're masturbating while their partners are at work, asleep beside them, etc.: We call people like that assholes. Because someone who wounds his sex partner through active neglect, salts those wounds by making it clear that he's jerking it in her absence and then makes his partner feel like she's the bad guy isn't guilty of thoughtless cruelty. He's guilty of intentional, malicious cruelty. Can't you see what your boyfriend has already done to you? He's trained you to "ignore [your] own sexual urges"---he's trained you not to initiate, or make any demands on him at all---and now you're only sexual when he wants you to be sexual. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend wants a girlfriend, SPANK, it sounds like he wants a Fleshlight that pays half the rent.


Aydian Dowling was one of the three LGBT youths whose stories were featured in the It Gets Better special on MTV and LOGO earlier this year. Like many young trans men, Aydian needs "top surgery"---chest surgery that will bring his body into line with his gender identity.

"Health insurance in the USA doesn't cover transgender surgeries at all," he says. "They're covered in the UK, Canada and Australia. The waiting lists are long, but at least it's covered."

Aydian designed a line of t-shirts that are high quality, trans-themed, and really fuckin' cool. They cost Aydian $10 to produce, and he's selling them for $20. Aydian had originally planned to stop selling his t-shirts once he hit his goal. But they have been such a hit, he's decided to keep selling them to help pay for other trans men's top surgeries. You can check out Aydian's shirts at The t-shirts are trans-themed---T-Rex!---but anyone can buy and wear them. Check 'em out!


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