I am a 28-year-old straight girl two years into my first marriage: new job, new home and new city 1,200 miles from my closest friends. It was really lonely at first, not knowing anyone nearby. Plus, hubby is far less social than I am, and has not gone out of his way to help us make any friends to hang out with. Hes happiest at home on the couch, in front of a good movie, which is how we spend a lot of our time.
Adding to that is the fact that hubby is now working late nights. Ive spent a lot of lonely Fridays and Saturdays at home. A hot bath coupled with a good book is fun only so often before it becomes pathetic. Enter Elaine. Shes my running/workout buddy and my wine-bar buddy, and happens to be a lesbian. She recently split with her partner of eight years, and as a result, weve been going out a lot more often.
Hubby is not happy. He feels threatened by Elaines lesbianness, and equates it to me hanging out with a single straight guy. I did have a couple of straight-but-drunk escapades with women way back in college (hubby knows), but I am not gay, not interested and not a cheater. Plus, I am simply not Elaines type. She has never once come on to me, nor has she said/done anything that hinted at an other-than-friendly relationship. How can I convince hubby that my friendship with Elaine is platonic and nonthreatening, and keep him from pouting and griping every time I mention her name? Shes the only friend I have.
It might help, SOBHA, if you didnt use inelegant phrases like two years into my first marriage, unless you intend to imply that second, third or fourth marriages are in your future. If I ran around introducing my boyfriend to people as my current boyfriend, it might give him a complex, too. Just sayin.
Heres how you set your husband at ease about Elaine: Keep doing what youre doing---all of you. You get to hang out with Elaine, which is within your rights (married people are allowed to have friends and nights out); he gets to grumble about it, which is within his rights (married people are allowed to have feelings and insecurities). Only the passage of time---along with regularly offered reassurances, your acquisition of other friends and Elaines eventual acquisition of a new girlfriend---will convince your husband that Elaines intentions toward you are merely friendly, and that youre not itching to eat pussy for old times sake.
It would also help if your husband spent some time hanging out with you and Elaine. Invite her over for one of those on-the-couch movie nights. And if Elaine isnt willing to hang out with your husband---if shes not willing to do what she can to set him at ease---then your husbands suspicions about her intentions may not be entirely irrational.
Recently I brought up the idea of adding a little kink to my boyfriends and my sex life. Nothing extreme---just some light bondage and some toys. A simple No, Im not interested I would have understood, but he freaked the fuck out. He got angry, saying that he didnt know I was a freak who was into sick shit.
The next day he called me like nothing had happened and Ive been hesitant to bring it up ever since. We have been dating for a few months, and he seemed like a nice guy---not some sexually conservative nut-job. I dont know what caused his freak-out and I dont know whether I should head for the hills or what. Should I be afraid? ---Slightly Kinky Lady
What caused his freak-out? Dunno. Your boyfriend could be insecure or repressed or uninterested in kink. And any or all of that would be fine, SKL, and something you might be able to work with or around, if your boyfriend were capable of discussing his insecurities, repression and/or disinterest without resorting to sexual shaming and emotional abuse. While I would never advise someone to run from a decent vanilla boyfriend, that is precisely what I would advise someone whose boyfriend resorts to emotional abuse to shut down a conversation about a shared sex life to do.
But before you head for the hills, SKL, give the asshole a chance to redeem himself. Perhaps he feels bad about freaking out and is too embarrassed, ashamed or clueless to broach the subject. So sit him down and say exactly this---yes, memorize it---to him: What you did to me the other night was abusive and unfair. Lovers should be able to talk openly about their sexual interests. So lets try it again: Im interested in some light kink. If youre not, thats cool. But theres nothing wrong with me. If youre not willing to meet my needs, or if you feel that my kinks give you the right to treat me like shit, then theres something wrong with you.
If he apologizes and promises to make amends (and pick up some rope), you can keep seeing him. If he blows up again, SKL, DTMFA.
My (now ex-) husband loved to fantasize about me fucking other men. At first I was repulsed, but he kept at it and eventually I started indulging his fantasies by making up stories to tell him while we were having sex. Eventually this led to my husband asking if we could have threesomes with other people so he could watch me getting fucked for real. We did this a few times.
I eventually had a couple of affairs I didnt tell him about. He found out and now hes divorcing me. I feel terrible, but I cant help wonder if his need to see me with other men and my feelings of inadequacy (and need to be with a man who just wanted me) contributed to my affairs. Now I am terrified to get into another relationship. I dont want to wind up with someone with these fantasies again.---All Screwed Up About Sex
If the marriage of a cuckold fetishist and his adulterous wife cant survive a routine infidelity, what hope is there for the rest of us?
Look, ASUAS, your fears are understandable after what youve been through/been put through/put your soon-to-be ex-husband through. But your odds of winding up with another cuckold fetishist? Pretty slim. Your ex-husbands kink may be enjoying its 15 minutes, but it isnt all that common.
Dan! Everyone has an opinion, but youre the one with the advice column. So stop printing goddamn response letters from readers every other week.---Quit It Already
Youre right, QIA---Ive been running way too many response letters from my goddamn readers. Its almost as if the goddamn readers think they know more about writing a goddamn column than I do. The nerve of goddamn people, huh?
Speaking of response letters: Tons of my goddamn readers wanted to share their goddamn opinions with IMHB, the man whose wife declined to get reconstructive surgery/new boobs after losing both breasts to cancer. You can read their goddamn response letters at thestranger.com/savage/boobs.
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