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Coast quiz: What style of beer are you? 

It’s time for your first—and, dare we say, most important—test of the year, Whitney Moran’s wobbly-pop quiz

click to enlarge beerquiz.jpg

I’d describe myself as:
A. Complex and contemplative
B. Friendly and unpredictable
C. Uncomplicated and transparent
D. An acquired taste

If I weren’t a beer, I’d be this mythical drink:
A. Ambrosia: The only thing I can imagine tasting better
B. Butterbeer: Drunk quidditch!
C. Flaming Moe: If it’s not on fire, it’s probably boring
D. Moloko Plus: Those droogs are totally my speed

When it’s time for a solid snack, I reach for:
A. Toast with molasses
B. Strawberry-rhubarb pie
C. Hot Pocket
D. Half a grapefruit and a joint

The perfect beer date would be:
A. Finally opening that oak-aged, bottle-conditioned, limited-edition experimental—can you even call it “beer”?—treat you tucked away last decade
B. Inviting friends for some beer cocktails: liquid candy!
C. Wherever Happy Hour is
D. Drinking homebrew in my sweatpants, watching reruns of The Beerhunter

My dream pub would be called:
A. The Crotchety Snifter
B. Mother Puckers’
C. The Jockstrap
D. The Rusty Nail

The worst bartenders are the ones who:
A. Are grossly uninformed
B. Don’t have a sense of humour
C. Won’t let me play Beer Pong
D. Catch me drinking from the taps

I secretly love:
A. Cultivating experimental yeast strains
B. Reading erotic novels
C. Taking artistic selfies
D. Scaring strangers

Tally up your totals to find discover your kindred beer style.

MOSTLY As: English Barley Wine
(Like Garrison Ol’ Fog Burner Barley Wine) You are fancy! You thrive on highbrow culture and sometimes feel like you don’t belong. But while you can put it on thick and come off a bit strong, you’ve got a loyal fan base and people usually warm up to once you get them under your roasty-toasty spell.

MOSTLY Bs: Fruit Lambic
(Like Propeller Framboise) You little tart, you. You are spontaneous, wild and kind of high-maintenance. No one’s ever quite sure what to expect with you, but when you’re good, you’re GOOD. People may think there’s something wrong with you at first, but they’ll learn to love your eccentricities.

MOSTLY Cs: Lager
(Like PEI Brewing Beach Chair Lager) You’re the non-gender-exclusive “bro” of the beer world. You’ll take a bit longer to mature, and you like things simple and easy, unfiltered and fun. Most people enjoy your company but will eventually abandon you for something with more substance.

MOSTLY Ds: American Double IPA
(Like Boxing Rock Vicar’s Cross Double IPA) You’re old-school. People either love you or hate you, and you don’t care either way. You’re both a relic of the past and the trendiest thing going. Whether you’re blowing minds or blowing kegs, you’re bitter, bold and full of character.


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Vol 24, No 34
January 19, 2017

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