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More by Dan Savage

Quick hits

A lightning round of questions this week, hitting on cross-dressing, porn, butt plugs and drunk girls who make out with girls for the benefit of men.
- by Dan Savage
- May 16, 2013
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Carnal condom control

Dressing up, giggling with joy, being open and sharing sexual responsibility is all part of the relationship deal, Dan says.

by Dan Savage

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Q I am a hetero female, but one of my biggest fantasies is for a guy to dress up in women's underwear. Not full-blown drag, just a teddy, fishnets and some heels. He doesn't even have to act like a woman. I just want him to parade around a bit, and just for me. I've had the ovaries to bring this up only twice to men I've been with. My first boyfriend was game, but I was so insecure with my sexuality at the time that I let it go. My second boyfriend found it degrading and wouldn't do it. I think there are two things holding me back: 1. I've never even heard of this fantasy, and that makes me feel like a creep. Is there a name for it? 2. I know the first time I will giggle with joy and I'm afraid that will be a big buzz kill if my hypothetical future boyfriend thinks I'm laughing at him. --Lingerie Without A Man

A 1. There isn't a name for this fantasy, LWAM, so let's come up with one. How about "Frank-N-Furter-Ing," for Dr. Frank-N-Furter, a research scientist who enjoyed dressing straight boys up in fishnets, teddies and heels.

Your fantasy probably lacks a name because it isn't that odd or a whole lot to ask. And this fantasy makes you more sexually and romantically marketable than you realize. The world is full of men who aren't gay, aren't into drag and aren't into full-blown cross-dressing but who are turned on by the idea of wearing the girlfriend's panties or lingerie. A lot of these men are with women who barely tolerate their kinks. The single ones, on the other hand, are out there looking for a girlfriend who is turned on by them. Post explicit personal ads online and you'll be flooded with responses from guys who want to put on a show.

2. It is permissible to giggle during sex. If you're worried that your partner might think you're laughing at him, qualify your giggles in advance. Emphasize that your giggles are evidence of arousal, not disgust. Then prove it.

3. Have you checked out xdress.com? Think of it as your own personal porn stash before you find a boyfriend, and your favourite online shopping destination after.

Q I am a heterosexual female. My husband hates condoms. When we started being exclusive and monogamous, we were both fully screened for STDs and I went on the pill. That was four years ago. Since then, I have been through eight different versions of the pill. My current one gives me a two-week period, I have gained about 25 pounds in two months and I am more moody. My doctor just prescribed me a new pill that will likely increase my weight and make me moodier, but it should decrease the length of the period. I'm sick of this! I think my husband should suck it up and wear a condom. He is completely resistant. It is ironic that the pill protects me from pregnancy, but we're having less sex due to the weight gain, bleeding, no sex drive and other side effects. My doctor doesn't think other options for birth control will be a good fit for me. Should I continue on the pill or tell my husband that if he wants sex, he has to share responsibility? --Tired Of Pills

A Shared responsibility.

And you can keep having sex without pills, condoms or pregnancies. There's oral (his-and-hers), anal (ditto) and mutual masturbation (underrated). But if it's vaginal intercourse he wants, then he'll have to get used to condoms. Some women can't take hormonal birth control, and your husband is married to one.

Q I was watching a porno featuring a hot gay threesome. Two tops double-penetrated a bottom. The odd part: The tops shared a single condom! I'm wondering how safe this might be. --Dubious In Phoenix

A It was safe for the bottom---provided that overtaxed condom didn't burst (here's hoping they were using a more spacious, more durable female condom)---but it wasn't safe for the tops. Jamming two dicks into a single condom could result in dick-to-dick transmission of STIs.

Q I am a 25-year-old straight woman. I recently started seeing a man. The first time I slept with him, he told me that he was interested in a relationship, and I told him that I wanted to keep things purely casual. Over the next month and a half of talking to him, hanging out and having sex, I started to really like him. I was thinking about changing my mind and taking the relationship to the next level.

The last time I saw him was a week ago. He came over, we had sex and then he mentioned he had met someone else. As he was beginning to elaborate, I told him to leave. My anger comes from his timing. If he had told me this before we had sex, Dan, I would have been able to have a constructive conversation about this. The problem now, if I'm being completely honest with myself, is that I really like him and I don't want to stop seeing him. A couple of questions: Do I reach out to him again? Did I overreact? --Left In The Lurch

A I can understand why you were upset. You had already taken things to the "next level" in your heart---you were thinking of this guy as your boyfriend---you just hadn't gotten around to informing him about the upgrade. And you assumed that, when you did get around to letting him know, he would be delighted. Because he was the one who wanted a relationship first, right?

Unfortunately, he took you at your word when you said you weren't interested in a relationship. Keeping things "casual" with you meant he was free to pursue a relationship with someone else.

I can't help but wonder what he was about to say when you told him to get out. He met someone else, which wasn't a violation of your rules. Did that mean things were over between you two (which would make the timing of the last fuck an insult)? Or was he willing to pass on this other girl if you were ready for a relationship (which would make tossing him out before he could elaborate a mistake)? You probably should've heard him out.

Reach out. Let him know that you were thinking about taking things to the next level before he told you about the other girl. You were starting to fall for him, you hoped he felt the same and you were disappointed. But since he was only doing what you asked you can't fault him for keeping his options open or for failing to read your mind. Close by telling him that you'd be open to dating if things don't work out with this other girl.

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posted by DAN SAVAGE, May 16/13

A lightning round of questions this week, hitting on cross-dressing, porn, butt plugs and drunk girls who make out with girls for the benefit of men. comments 0