Q I'm a 27-year-old bi chick who just moved in with my girlfriend of 10 months. I love her, and it's a great relationship---hot sex, laughs and good conversation. Here's the thing: I like to smoke pot, and pot makes her very uncomfortable. We've talked about it and I've been up front with her from the beginning. I'm afraid we're reaching an impasse on this issue. I've considered banishing pot from my life, but I know that some part of me would always resent her for not letting me be who I am. She doesn't want me to stop smoking, but she gets angry and blames herself for the whole problem. I feel like I'm asking her to change a fundamental belief and I don't know how fair that is. Am I being an asshole? --Distraught Kentucky Dyke
A What is it about lesbianism---even in cases of lesbian-identified bi chicks---that renders a person incapable of taking yes for an answer? Your girlfriend isn't asking you to stop smoking pot, she recognizes that she's the one in this relationship with a drug problem and over time she'll probably get over these OMFG-my-girlfriend-smokes-pot panic attacks. She's giving you a big yes, DKD, and I think you should take it. But if you insist on viewing this as a problem that must be solved---if you insist on being a couple of cliche lesbians who feel they have to operate their relationship on the consensus model or someone is being oppressed---then this issue will be an endless source of anxiety and drama. Better to agree to disagree, smoke when the girlfriend isn't around and remember to return the favour when the time comes, i.e., agree to let her enjoy something that you don't without pitching fits about it.
Q I have been with my partner for the past four years. She's 27 and I'm 26. These have been four magical years. We love each other, our parents are happy for us and we make a great team. My girlfriend deployed to Afghanistan, and I was an angel for the first four months of her deployment. But then I hit a rocky spot. After an argument on Skype, I went to confide in a friend.My friend and I cooked dinner, drank and chatted. The next thing I knew, it was 5am and I was on the couch half-dressed. I never told my girlfriend. Part of me wanted to, but the moment she got off the plane and dropped to one knee, I knew I'd be keeping my indiscretion a secret. Seven months after my first slip-up, we found out that she'd be leaving again. During her second deployment, I ended up out on the town with friends and was heavily intoxicated. I slept with a random person. I did the same thing again five months later. None of these people meant anything to me. My girlfriend is back, and this is the happiest I've ever seen her. We are planning a wedding, and I can't bring myself to break her heart. I know that the things I have done will never happen again, and I want to spare her that hurt. How do I get past all the mistakes I've made so that I can love her the way she deserves to be loved? --Army Wife In Training
A By giving yourself a break, AWIT. You were drunk, you were lonely and you were unmarried. Okay, you weren't exactly single at the time, and you did a shitty thing. You can look on those three shitty things as unforgivable betrayals or you can look at them as important life lessons you learned before making a formal and final commitment. Resolve to stay away from booze, go get tested for STIs and stuff those pre-exchange-of-vows experiences down the memory hole.
Q My girlfriend of one month is a professional dominant. I was OK with it because I assumed all her clients were men. (We are lesbians.) It turns out that three different straight couples are regular clients. I feel she should have disclosed this information to me. Can I insist that she stop seeing couples? --The Only Woman In Her Life
A You can insist on anything you like, TOWIHL, and then your girlfriend can decide whether she's willing to sacrifice six established clients for a controlling, insecure girlfriend that she's known for only a month. Since building a regular clientele represents financial and physical safety to many sex workers, your new girlfriend is unlikely to choose you over six established clients. So brace yourself for the dump that's very likely coming your way.
Q Hi there, faggot! Whiny dyke here! I'm queer and mostly into women, but with a severe attraction to one guy. He's great. A few weeks ago, he came back to my place and we made out before he said that he's not really attracted to me. We made out a little more. A few days later, he told me again that he's not physically attracted to me. We have always been really touchy and I'm struggling to believe him when he says he's not physically attracted to me. How do you make out with someone you don't find physically attractive? Also, there have been two recent instances in which he moved in on a woman I had expressed an interest in. I told him off about this, and he said he won't do it again but doesn't that say something about him? Is there some kind of combo of competition, subconsciously trying to keep me unlaid or voodoo connection? Am I just being paranoid? --Wants Hetero Affections Tamed
A This guy sounds like a narcissistic douchebag who enjoys toying with people who are attracted to him. He sounds like a narcissistic douchebag with a bit of a sadistic streak. Telling someone mid-make-out-session that you're not really attracted to them is cruel, getting half-naked with someone who's into you when you're not into them is cruel, swooping down on girls who your queer girlfriend has expressed an interest in is cruel and an asshole move. Now, I'm sure this guy has lots of wonderful qualities---most narcissistic douchebags have some cause to be narcissists---and you don't have to cut him out of your life. But you do need to be less open with him emotionally, socially and sexually. Don't give him any more opportunities to toy with you---no touchy-touchy, no make-out sessions, no partial disrobing---and don't point out girls you're interested in.
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posted by DAN SAVAGE, Jan 19/17
Dan tackles a few very particular and extreme fetishes, including ear sex, homelessness and suicide. comments 0
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Searching for answers in a pre-Trump America, including tips on how to survive his presidency. comments 0
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If you’re just out of a bad relationship, here are some steps to getting back into the game of life. Plus: Dick pics. comments 0
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