Q I'm a 23-year-old male who has never been in a relationship. I dread rejection. Compounding this problem: I might be bisexual. I'm afraid to reveal this to anyone. Some girls might be OK with it at first, but they are likely to leave me later for fear I could actually be gay—and those are the girls who would even consider dating a bisexual guy in the first place. I've wasted 23 years of my life because of my fear of being rejected—by everyone, including my conservative family. Any advice?—Hopefully Not Hopeless
A Buck up, HNH. Most people don't start dating until their late teens, HNH, so you haven't wasted 23 years. You've wasted five or six years---eight on the outside.
Overcoming your paralyzing fear of rejection is something for which you may need the help of a therapist and a pharmacist. But you don't have to be on meds to hear this: Rejection is a big and necessary part of romance. Getting a "yes" from someone we asked out, asked to peg us, asked to marry us, wouldn't be meaningful if we got a "yes" from everyone we proposed marriage and/or pegging to, right?
As for your bisexuality: Men—gay, straight, bi, tend to be huge sluts. So if you want to get a little experience, check your same-sex fantasies against same-sex realities and make your first moves on people who are less likely to reject you, then you should hit on some hard-up gay or bi dudes.
You should also head to bisexual websites and online forums for insight, advice and support. A good place to start is binetusa.org. There are lots of bi folks out there who've come out to their conservative families, who've overcome their fear of being rejected for being bi and who know that bisexuality is something that can—if a person is open about it---attract the right kinds of partners, partners who view bisexuality as a plus. Talking with other bi folks will help.
And finally, HNH, bisexual guys don't have to settle for straight girls who don't understand or gay dudes who can't deal. There's no law against bisexuals dating other bisexuals.
Q In a couple of weeks I will be following your advice and disclosing the full scope of my sexuality to my girlfriend. I am a 32-year-old male. We have been dating for two years. This is the happiest I have ever been in a relationship. I want to marry her. She knows that I have a pantyhose fetish and she wears nylons for me whenever I ask. She doesn't know that I also love to wear pantyhose, and that when I do I have intense homoerotic fantasies. She doesn't know that I also have a foot fetish and a cock-sucking fetish, both directly associated with the pantyhose fetish. I intend to tell her everything. But how do I start? —Bi Pantyhose Guy
A If you had followed my advice, BPG, your girlfriend would already know about your pantyhose/foot/cock fetishes. Your kinks aren't first-date conversation topics—no one's kinks are---but a woman has a right to know about kinks like yours, BPG, before she's invested two years in a relationship with you.
Start the conversation like this: "Honey, I'm a much kinkier boy than I've led you to believe." Be upbeat, kink-positive and unapologetic—well, unapologetic about your kinks. You should be somewhat apologetic about waiting two long years to lay all your kink cards on the table.
You should also avoid the phrase "cock fetishist" during this conversation, BPG. If you only have homoerotic fantasies during your solo pantyhose masturbate-a-thons, you may be less into sucking cock and more into what sucking cock symbolizes during those pantyhose-charged moments: A dick in your mouth brings your feminization to a climax, er, crescendo, completing your transformation from straight/straight-identified guy to crossdressed, cock-hungry slut. For many men like you, BPG, a dick is a talismanic toy, not an identity-altering taste.
But if you say "cock fetish," your girlfriend is likely to hear "closeted cock-hungry fag." Better to tell her that when you're wearing pantyhose, you get into fantasy role-play scenarios in which you assume the feminine role. She may not be ready to see you with a man—not right now, maybe not ever---but she could be up for seeing you on your knees, in pantyhose, sucking on the dildo she strapped on for your talismanic pleasure.
Q I recently told my girlfriend of seven months that I have a foot fetish. I had been dropping subtle hints, but she didn't pick up on it. Since I told her, she's been asking me hypothetical questions like, "Would you put your thumb up my butt?" I quickly say, "Of course." She comes back with, "Would you poop on me?" I'm a bit slower to answer that question, but I say, "Yes, if that's something you wanted, I would do it." Then she laughs and tells me, "Raise your standards." I'm confused. Is she secretly into these things and afraid to tell me? She's brought it up more than once. A part of me is hoping there is something kinky she's after, since it would most definitely free me up to go to town on her feet. —Honestly Into Nasty Things
A Kink cards on the table at seven months. Well done, HINT. As for these bizarre conversations: Either your girlfriend is worried that you've got kinks you haven't told her about yet—like BPG—or she believes that having a kink means a person has no sexual limits or boundaries at all. Her comment when you indicated that you would shit on her, if that was something she wanted ("Raise your standards"), is a good indication that she's not into shit. She's latching onto worst-kink scenarios, HINT, and seeing if you'll "go there," because it confirms her prejudices about kinky people—that there's nothing a kinky person won't do.
You didn't do yourself any favours when you agreed to shit on the girlfriend. That won't inspire her to let you go to town on her feet. Instead, HINT, tell your girlfriend she should be thankful she's dating an honest foot fetishist and not a dishonest necrophiliac—your kinks could be worse ---and let her know that you're ready, willing, and able to explore her kinks, if she has any, but then list a few of the things you won't do. (Shit on her, for one.) And when she's ready to share her kinks with you, tell her she knows where to find you: on the floor, going to town on her feet.
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