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Subject: Charlie Sheen to Donate $1 Million to USO
Wow! It's the largest single contribution from a single woman abuser to the military organization! I feel icky for having read this email. Donating a whopping 1% of his profits from the EXCELLENT Anger Management, Sheen says:
“It’s an honor for me to be able to give back to these men and women of the military who have done so much for all of us,” said Charlie Sheen. “They put their lives on the line for us every day, and I’m just happy that my work on ANGER MANAGEMENT can bring a little bit of relief to the troops and their families.”
Yes, your work on ANGER MANAGEMENT (yeah it was in caps the whole way through) is truly a gift to all of us.
Subject: 'God Particle' and 'God heareth not sinners'
Are religious people still confused over the Higgs boson? Apparently some are. This was an email Tim forwarded me because I have asked these email maniacs to be taken off their mailing list and got seriously, hilariously, bitched out after doing so. Anyway the gist of it is that there's no point praying if you're a sinner. "A good example is why the Pope every Christmas and Easter publicly prays for peace and there never is any." Damn, you want some ice for that burn, Pope?
Subject: Insane Clown Posse Announces Line-Up for The 13th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos on August 8-12
I'm sure you've read this whole line-up already, but if not, feast your eyes. It's a doozy.
"The Main Stage talent at the Gathering is set to include Three 6 Mafia, Geto Boys, George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic, Master P, Tech N9ne, Mushroomhead, Rehab, Soulfly, Danny Brown, Slaine, Swollen Members, Hed Pe, Fear Factory, Static X, DMX, The Game, Kottonmouth Kings and more. Psychopathic Records’ Insane Clown Posse, Twiztid, Anybody Killa, Blaze Ya Dead Homie, Dark Lotus, Psychopathic Rydas, Cold 187um aka Big Hutch are all set to appear, and this year’s hosts are Chop & Sugar Slam, Rude Boy, Jumpsteady and Ric Flair. Special late night events will be Violent J’s West Coast Block Party featuring Lil EZ, The Pharcyde, Warren G and Glasses Malone; Shaggy 2 Dope’s East Coast Block Party featuring The Fat Boys, Raekwon, Rahzel, and Biz Markie, and Twiztid’s Dirty South Party. Comedians Cheech and Chong, Jamie Kennedy, Ralphie May and Bobcat Goldthwait are set to appear. Plus, the Gathering will have a Wrestling Stage, seminars, autograph signings, free carnival rides, wet t-shirt competition, karaoke contest, tattoo contest, JCW try-outs, open mic, Miss Juggalette Competition and Violent J’s Beach Party."
Seriously good, right?
Subject: "Media Advisory: A Tweet to FedEx Express Canada Leads to Delivery of Dozens of Rescued Puppies"
GUYS! 60 rescued puppies from Happy Valley Goose Bay will be touching down on Nova Scotian soil via Litters n’ Critters/Fed Ex/the cutest airplane ride ever. The puppies were displaced due to a series of forest fires in north-eastern Canada. Some crucial email info:
"The offer of assistance came about as a result of a Twitter posting by one of the many supporters of Litters n' Critters, a foster home-based animal rescue organization based in Halifax, with whom the HV-GB SPCA has been partnering with for the last four years.
“I knew there were a lot of dogs and pups in the shelter and foster homes and since we couldn't get a lot out this year, I put out a (plea) on Facebook looking for someone with a plane or if they know anyone with a plane,” explained Shelley Cunningham, President of Litters n' Critters.
“One of our supporters twittered it and Adrian Grundy, the Manager of Corporate Communications & Public Relations from FedEx, found out about it that way.”
“He was so sweet and nice and understanding and said he was going to present it to his boss the next morning and call me back. He called me back and said that all they needed was permission to go into Goose Bay air space and if that goes through, it will happen. He said he would call me back the next afternoon. And he did. And he said yes. And I cried!”
Thank god for twittering! And Grundy sounds like a real catch. Apparently media can go to the Halifax airport at 11:30am tomorrow (July 14) and take pictures. I'd make up one of those fedoras with a "press" card in it, if I were you.
Subject: "hello I seek to have a very important article published. More important than entertainment."
This was an passionate entreaty written by a self-described telepath encouraging the city to "reeestablish the canopy" and plant fruit and nut trees in order to stop cannibalism and avoid sinking into the ocean like Atlantis. It was pretty complex, but more important than entertainment? A bold claim.
Subject: Tom Cochrane and Kevin Costner to golf in Halifax July 29-31
Pretty self-explanatory. $99 for a two-day pass ($65 for one day) to watch Cochrane and Costner play golf in the TELUS World Skins Tournament at Glen Arbour. The proceeds go to the IWK, and TELUS will be donating buttloads of money also. Think you could keep a straight face? Hit up telusskins.com, or call 1-877-451-1221.